On Christmas In July

Here in the Pacific Northwest, we have a chain of mattress stores that runs a promo nearly every year called “Christmas in July”. Now, I’m a Brand Strategist and Designer, and I work with a lot of retailers. So I’m pretty familiar with commercialism and materialism; and in most cases, I’m ok with it. But “Christmas in July”, I think, has to be the most blatant commercialism of Christmas I’ve seen, associating Christmas with the sale of a product during a season that has nothing whatsoever to do with the celebration of Christmas.

Having said that, it does bring up an interesting issue; one that I wrote about in January of this year. So this “Christmas in July”, I thought I’d revisit my post from January, just as a reminder:

How many of us watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special every year? And how many more just enjoy the Vince Guaraldi music from that special? In his song, “Christmas Time is Here” there is a line that says, “Oh that we could always see such spirit through the year.” There’s another song in my rotation called “I Wish Every Day Could Be Like Christmas” by Jon Bon Jovi. And I’m sure that there are many more with similar sentiments that we all sing along with, fully entrenched in the Christmas spirit, and think, “Yeah – I wish every day could be like Christmas, too.” The warm, fuzzy feeling that we have at that time of year; the open-heartedness; the willingness to reach out to, and care for, and love our fellow man -- I know that that sounds sappy and sentimental now that we’re out of the Christmas season. But really, what’s so crazy about that idea? If we can be that way at Christmas (or Hanukah, or Kwanza, or Ashura, or Solstice, or whatever you choose to celebrate this time of year), what is stopping us from being that way all year? It’s amazing how temporary that feeling is for most of us at Christmas – how quickly that feeling goes away, and we settle right back into our routines and our self-centeredness.

When we think of January, we tend to think of the New Year, and of resolutions. How many of us make resolutions that have anything to do with reaching out to other people like we did at Christmas? I’m guessing not too many. Resolutions tend to be about losing weight, reaching our financial goals, quitting smoking… which are all good things, of course. I’m just struck by how quickly we return to thinking about “me, me, me.”

So this week, I’d like to suggest a different kind of resolution. What if we resolved to show our Holiday spirit all throughout the year? What if we reached out to our fellow man, and showed compassion, and understanding, and respect to others every day of the year? What if we focus our attention on how much we are alike with the people around us, rather than how we are different, and we deal with those people with love rather than fear? It may sound sappy and idealistic, but I can live with that. I’d rather live with that than the alternative. And I’m man enough to be sappy and sentimental and be ok with it. I’ve had great role models - a Captain, and a Master Sergeant just to name two.

So… remembering the best of Christmas, and of ourselves at that time of year, I wish you a Merry Christmas in July to you and your family. Peace on Earth, goodwill to all men (and women).

On Overcorrecting

This morning I awoke to find a comment that someone had left on our YouTube page. It read:

“Gratitude should be shown to individuals not to entire categories of people. Just because someone is wearing a uniform that doesn't mean you know anything significant about who they are. I know that this video is well intended but I worry that this is a double edged sword; that people who are eager to make positive assumptions about soldiers might be prone to make negative assumptions when they encounter a woman in a hijab or burka for example.”

I wanted to take a moment to respond to this, because I think it raises a couple of important points. I’ll address the first couple of points, and then to the real issue at hand:

First, ironically, our campaign IS about thanking individuals as opposed to entire categories of people. Our campaign was specifically designed to provide civilians with the means to look one person in the eye and thank them for their service. And while it is true that just because someone wears a uniform doesn’t mean that we know who they are it does tell us what they do and that is that, by definition, they serve to defend our freedom and security. And Service is deserving of gratitude.

Now, before I go on, I want to acknowledge that the author of this comment likely has their heart in the right place. They are clearly expressing a concern about discrimination; and I agree that that is something that we all need to be conscious and aware of. Having said that, I think that this comment illustrates an all too frequent response in our society of overcorrection – denying a certain good out of fear of a potential bad.

Let me use an example: helmet laws. Many states, including my native Washington, have laws requiring motorcycle riders to wear helmets. These laws were enacted to address a growing problem of riders getting into accidents, cracking their skulls, and thus requiring intensive medical treatments for which they had no insurance to pay, thus costing the tax-payers millions of dollars per year. The solution? Make everyone wear helmets. The problem with this solution, and the point at which it becomes overcorrection, is that it denies riders – even those with adequate health insurance -- the freedom to decide for themselves whether or not they are willing to take the risk of riding without a helmet. If a rider has adequate insurance to pay for their own treatment should they get in an accident, and they are not risking harm to anyone else by not wearing a helmet, shouldn’t they have the right to decide for themselves whether they wear a helmet?

Some (in my opinion) smarter states have enacted laws stating that riders who choose to ride without a helmet must be able to show proof of adequate health insurance in addition to their license to ride. This solution actually addresses the issue at hand without overcorrecting and denying others their freedom to decide for themselves.

In the case of the author of the comment above, their solution seems to be that we should not thank anyone we don’t know for their service for fear that the opposite could happen and that certain people might be discriminated against for what they choose to wear. I would argue that that solution does more to separate us and isolate us as people by suggesting that we can’t assume anything good about our fellow man for fear that we might also assume something bad. There will always be the potential of people assuming bad things about those they don’t know and don’t understand. And we need to be conscious of that, and encourage people to learn more about each other, rather than isolating and engaging less with one another. Let’s deal with discrimination directly when and where and how it happens. But denying those who serve the gratitude that they deserve, denying people the option to assume the best in their fellow man, to connect with them, and express what is in their hearts is an overcorrection that does more harm than good.

I would encourage everyone to see what happens when they assume the best in their fellow man, and interact with them accordingly. Thank those who serve for you. And smile at the woman in the hijab or burka. Goodwill is contagious. And wouldn’t you rather catch that than the fear of the other edge of the sword?

On the Power of a Moment

My wife and I were dropping some friends off at the airport this past weekend. And on the way back to the car we passed a Soldier with his wife and small child pulling his bags out of his car. As we passed by, I gave him the Sign. He nodded, and held up his hand as a sign of “no problem”, or “you’re welcome”, just as Master Sergeant Kevin Johnson did in our video.

I’ve given the Sign to those who serve many times before. But more often than not, I approach those who serve directly, and I offer a hand shake and verbal “thank you for serving”, and I engage in a little conversation. When I do use the Sign, it’s often because I can’t reach the person I want to thank, or because the situation does not support me approaching them directly. And in many of those situations, they’ve offered a head nod, or some other sign of recognition. But this is the first time that I have experienced a Soldier’s reaction being exactly as Master Sergeant Johnson reacted in our video. It was quite powerful to me.

As my wife and I drove away, I couldn’t help but piece together the situation we had just witnessed and participated in. This Soldier was clearly unloading his car -- not loading it. I am not a gifted enough writer to communicate how powerful and meaningful that realization was for us in that moment. He was unloading his bags at the airport. He was on his way out… to God knows where, for God knows how long. His wife and small child were there to see him off… for God knows how long. What a solemn moment this must have been for that Soldier and his family. His wife, who knew all too well what was happening; and his small child, who had no idea what was happening, or how long it would be before they saw their father again; or that there was a very real possibility that they may never see their father again.

And in this moment - this incredibly powerful, life-changing moment for this man and his wife and small child that I happened upon - I offered a simple Sign of gratitude. Was it enough? Did I do enough to earn this man’s service and sacrifice? Did I do enough to make this man’s wife feel that her sacrifice – that her child’s sacrifice – were worth it? I have no idea; from my point of view, absolutely not. But it’s a start. Perhaps it served as a reminder of why they’re sacrificing what they’re sacrificing. Perhaps knowing that their service and sacrifices were recognized, and appreciated helped in some small way to assuage the heartache of the moment. I have no way of knowing for sure. What I do know for sure is that from my point of view, it was a powerful reminder that a “thank you from the bottom of my heart” is a very good start; and certainly tenfold better than no acknowledgment at all. But it’s just a start.

On Missed Opportunities

My sister and her husband came to visit my wife and me for the weekend. They just arrived tonight, and we shared a glass of wine, and did a little catching up. As we talked about their trip, they shared with me that they had had a couple of opportunities in the airports along the way to express their gratitude to a Service Member, but had missed them. Both times they were walking along the concourse, both hands full, and the moment just went by them too quickly to do anything about it.

My wife added that she had had a couple of similar missed opportunities recently, where she was at a grocery store, and wanted to say "thank you" to a Service Member, but they never made eye contact. This is a little ironic for my wife in particular by the way, since she appears in our video, and the first shot or scene in the video of her watching the Soldiers walk by is what the Director, Amy Sedgwick and I referred to as the "missed opportunity shot".

I've had many such experiences myself, where I saw a Service Member out in public, and I wanted to express my gratitude, but circumstances did not allow it. Perhaps they were too far away, or I couldn't get to them, or they were engaged in some activity that would have been rude for me to interrupt. Then I was left with this nagging feeling that I had missed my opportunity -- that perhaps I had just wimped out, made excuses, and failed to take the initiative to approach them. Then I felt bad for not telling this person how much their service means to me.

So, here's what I've learned from those experiences: It's OK. Sure, in our video we say, "Just don't miss the opportunity to thank the person right in front of you." But that line is not intended as a guilt-trip -- it's a goal -- an intention. It doesn't mean that you have to feel bad if you miss a single opportunity to thank someone. There will be other opportunities -- trust me. The point is not to kick yourself for missing one, but rather to set the intention to take the next one.

The one other thing I would add to that is that this is a relatively new campaign in the grand scheme of things. Sure, most Service Members have seen our video, and are familiar with the Sign. But we've still got work to do to make receiving our Sign as common for those who serve as sending or receiving a military salute. You are part of that work. They have been trained to look for rank insignias on other uniforms to determine if they should be sending or receiving a military salute from another Service Member -- they haven't been trained to look for our Sign... yet. We're training them now -- you and me. So my advice to you when you can't make eye contact is: Give them the Sign anyway. Perhaps they'll see the tail end of it, if not the entire thing. Perhaps they'll see it out of the corner of their eye. And the more they see it, the more they'll look for it. It will become a reflex -- just like the military salute.

And even if they don't see it, you will know that you did it. And trust me on this one, doing it feels better than not doing it. Even if they don't see it at all.

On Gratitude & Psychological Well-Being

This week, I want to share an excerpt from a blog on Psychology Today by Susan Krauss Whitbourne, who sent it to me last week. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. is a Professor of Psychology and Director of the Office of National Scholarship Advisement at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. (Posted with her permission.):

Many real-life heroes also do not expect thank-yous. Yet, when we benefit from the labors that others put out for our sake, we feel internally driven to and want to express our gratitude. And that's a good thing, in more ways than one.

Psychologists Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough point out that gratitude is the "forgotten factor" in happiness research. They point out the benefits of expressing gratitude as ranging from better physical health to improved mental alertness. People who express gratitude also are more likely to offer emotional support to others.

Expressing gratitude in your daily life might even have a protective effect on staving off certain forms of psychological disorders. In a review article published this past March, researchers found that habitually focusing on and appreciating the positive aspects of life is related to a generally higher level of psychological well-being and a lower risk of certain forms of psychopathology.

Now how can you apply these ideas to your own life? Here are some suggestions to boost your own, shall we say, GQ's ("gratitude quotient"):

1. If someone thanks you, accept the thanks graciously. Let the person know you appreciate being thanked. That's all you need to do. Really.

2. If you find that difficult, think about why gratitude makes you uncomfortable. Do you not feel worthy of being thanked? In my study of personal fulfillment in midlife, I identified a subgroup of people whose own fulfillment was hampered by their lack of faith in their own worth. Chronic feelings of inadequacy can make it difficult for people to benefit from any thanks that come their way.

3. Look for small things to be grateful for. Not all acts of kindness have a capital "K." A driver who lets you ease into a busy highway deserves a wave just as much as someone who holds open a door when you're loaded down with packages. A smile will boost your GQ and make both of you feel better.

4. Don't fret about gratitude infractions. If you forget to send a thank you note don't worry about it and certainly don't use elapsed time as an excuse to avoid the task altogether. Send a quick email and then get to the real thing. If you're a chronic forgetter, though, you might try to figure out why. By the same token, if someone forgets to thank you, don't ruminate over it, thereby raising your BP if not your GQ.

5. Keep your thank you's short, sweet, and easy to write. One reason people procrastinate about writing thank you's is that they want them to be original and not seem hasty, insincere, or ill conceived. This doesn't mean the thank you should be one that is short enough to tweet but if you don't build it up in your mind as having to be a magnum opus you'll be less inclined to put it off. Whatever you do, don't make excuses or lie about having sent a thank you that you never did (for more on lying and excuse-making, check out my previous post).

A great reminder that gratitude is not only good for the receiver, but also for the giver. Thanks, Susan. To read Susan's entire blog, please visit http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201005/giving-thanks-the-benefits-gratitude

On Strength & Weakness

I was having an e-mail exchange today with a psychology professor from the University of Massachusetts Amherst on the subject of gratitude. As I was responding to her, I was commenting on why some people choose not to – or fail to, as the case may be – express their gratitude.

In my observation, many people have a real challenge with expressing their emotions – especially men. And that challenge is multiplied tenfold when expressing their emotions to strangers. I don’t know if this issue is getting worse or better over time on a societal level. But I find that so many of our issues in our relationships – whether they be interpersonal or international relationships – come down to communication.

Now, when people throw that phrase around with respect to relationships – “It’s all about communication” – I think that they’re often times just thinking about how well, or how craftily they’re communicating what they want to communicate in order to get the result that they want. But what is a bigger problem, I think, is what they’re not communicating at all – how they honestly feel about something or someone. Of course, in order to communicate something to someone else, you must first be consciously aware of it yourself. And that may be 70% of the problem for many people. But even those of us who are fairly self-aware often fail to communicate our feelings to others. Sometimes I wonder if, at least in the US, we’ve decided that expressions of love and gratitude, for example, are signs of weakness.

I’ve noticed this in my own relationships. I’ve always been pretty good about expressing my emotions to my wife. But I recently realized that I don’t express myself quite as well to many other people in my life.

My wife and I met another couple about three years ago who have become very dear friends of ours. And it has become a norm in that relationship to tell each other “I love you.” This was strange enough for me at first to tell another woman, who was not my wife, mother, or sister that I loved her. But it was stranger still to tell another man who was not my father that I loved him. It has since become very normal and comfortable for me. And it occurred to me as I was hanging out with a girlfriend with whom I’d been friends since 7th grade that I had never told her I loved her. What a stark contrast, I thought – and a tragedy, really – that I was telling someone I’d only known for three years how I honestly felt about them, but I wasn’t telling this woman who had been my dear friend for 25 years how I felt about her. It wasn’t because I didn’t feel just as strongly for her, but rather because I simply wasn’t acknowledging it, either to myself or to her. And if I was unable to tell this dear friend how I felt about her, you can bet that I wasn't telling too many strangers how I felt about them.

I wonder if our inability to show how we truly feel – again, especially for men -- is frequently because we’re afraid of how it will throw off the balance of power in a relationship. As though expressing feelings of love, gratitude, appreciation, or admiration makes us appear somehow weaker, more needy, more dependent. The irony, I find, is that some of the strongest people I know – or have ever seen – are the ones who are willing to stand naked in front of a crowd and expose their weaknesses without shrinking back or feeling ashamed. Gandhi is a great example. My friend from 7th grade, and my wife are two others.

It’s as though they’ve decide that having weaknesses does not make you weak. Anyone can build a wall around themselves and try to hide who they really are or what they really feel. But, as Pink Floyd wrote so brilliantly in words and music back in the 70’s, it doesn’t take much to “tear down the wall,” exposing those weaknesses, and destroying the person. The truly strong person is the person who can expose their weaknesses to the crowd, with no walls to protect them, and stand there head held high knowing that no other person is in a place to judge them. Denial of weakness is just another weakness. Acknowledgment is truth strength. As Ambrose Redmoon put it:

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

Being true to how we really feel is more important. Telling others how we feel about them, as we would like to know how they feel about us, is more important. Acknowledging the service of others, so that we encourage more people to serve their fellow man, is more important. Living in the Now, in a state of connection with, and gratitude for our fellow man rather than in a state of isolation, loneliness, distrust, and conflict with our fellow man, is more important.

The pleasant surprise is that it is much easier to be strong and courageous enough to share your gratitude than you might first expect. And it gets easier each time you do it. Facing fear makes fear go away. I have never met anyone who didn’t want to be thanked or told that they were loved. It was my inability to say it that was the true weakness. I am much stronger now, and getting stronger each day.

On The American Fighting Man

For this week's post, I am borrowing someone else's words. This is an excerpt from an e-mail that I received that I thought was very well said, and a good reminder for those who don't know a lot of military personnel personally. I don't know who the author was -- I would love to give them credit. Although this passage refers to the average military "man", I hope that you will read it as I did, interpreting "man" to represent both Service Men and Women, as they both serve equally:

The average age of the military man is 19 years. He is a short haired, tight-muscled kid who, under normal circumstances is considered by society as half man, half boy. Not yet dry behind the ears, not old enough to buy a beer, but old enough to die for his country. He never really cared much for work and he would rather wax his own car than wash his father's, but he has never collected unemployment either.

He's a recent High School graduate; he was probably an average student, pursued some form of sport activities, drives a ten year old jalopy, and has a steady girlfriend that either broke up with him when he left, or swears to be waiting when he returns from half a world away.

He is 10 or 15 pounds lighter now than when he was at home because he is working or fighting from before dawn to well after dusk. He has trouble spelling, thus letter writing is a pain for him, but he can field strip a rifle in 30 seconds and reassemble it in less time in the dark. He can recite to you the nomenclature of a machine gun or grenade launcher and use either one effectively if he must.

He digs foxholes and latrines and can apply first aid like a professional. He can march until he is told to stop, or stop until he is told to march. He obeys orders instantly and without hesitation, but he is not without spirit or individual dignity. He is self-sufficient.

He has two sets of fatigues: he washes one and wears the other. He keeps his canteens full and his feet dry. He sometimes forgets to brush his teeth, but never to clean his rifle. He can cook his own meals, mend his own clothes, and fix his own hurts.

If you're thirsty, he'll share his water with you; if you are hungry, his food. He'll even split his ammunition with you in the midst of battle when you run low.

He has learned to use his hands like weapons and weapons like they were his hands. He can save your life - or take it, because that is his job. He will often do twice the work of a civilian, draw half the pay, and still find ironic humor in it all.

He has seen more suffering and death than he should have in his short lifetime. He has wept in public and in private for friends who have fallen in combat, and is unashamed.

He feels every note of the National Anthem vibrate through his body while at rigid attention, while tempering the burning desire to 'square-away ' those around him who haven't bothered to stand, remove their hat, or even stop talking. In an odd twist, day in and day out, far from home, he defends their right to be disrespectful.

Just as did his Father, Grandfather, and Great-grandfather, he is paying the price for our freedom. Beardless or not, he is not a boy. He is the American Fighting Man that has kept this country free for over 200 years. He has asked nothing in return, except our friendship and understanding.

Remember him, always, for he has earned our respect and admiration with his blood.