On "Hands" by Jewel

Every year around Christmas time there seems to be one song in our play list of over 900 holiday songs that stands out and holds extra meaning for me. It varies from year to year. This year, with so many of our troops returning from Iraq, the obvious choice seems to be Happy Christmas (War is Over) by John Lennon; and that song has been significant to us this year. But for some reason, the song that seems to hold even more meaning – that brings tears to my wife’s and my eyes every time we hear it – is Hands by Jewel. To be perfectly honest, after listening to it for weeks now, I still can’t say that I’m crystal clear on why it is so powerful for me this year. I have some ideas… Perhaps you can tell me:

in the end only kindness matters

if i could tell the world just one thing
it would be that we're all okay
and not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these
i won't be made useless
i won't be idle with despair
i'll gather myself around my faith
for light does the darkness most fear

my hands are small, i know
but they're not yours,
they are my own
but they're not yours,
they are my own
and i am never broken

poverty stole your golden shoes
it didn't steal your laughter
and heartache came to visit me
but i knew it wasn't ever after
we will fight not out of spite
for someone must stand up for what's right

'cause where there's a man who has no voice
there ours shall go singing

my hands are small, i know
but they're not yours,
they are my own
but they're not yours,
they are my own
i am never broken

('cuz) in the end only kindness matters
in the end only kindness matters
i will get down on my knees, and i will pray

my hands are small, i know
but they're not yours,
they are my own
but they're not yours,
they are my own
and i am never broken
we are never broken

we are god's eyes
god's hands
we are god's eyes
we are reflections of god
(god's hands)
we are reflections of god
(we are god's eyes)
we are reflections of god

Now, if you’re not a religious person (as I am not), then please feel free to insert the word “universe”, “source energy”, “zero point field”, or even “each other” where you see the word “god” in this song – the point remains the same.

I’m starting to understand what this song means to me, and why it is so incredibly powerful.

What does it mean to you?

Guest Blog: Allison Mewes' Top 10 Things We Wish Nonmilitary Families Knew

Continuing our series on what military families wish civilians knew about military life, this week’s blog comes from Allison Mewes, a military wife and writer. Allison’s husband is a Sergeant in the Active Guard Reserve, currently serving in Iraq. Allison was kind enough to share an excerpt from her forthcoming book, Intro to Army Life: A handbook for spouses and significant others entering the Army lifestyle:

Before becoming a military spouse, I would tear up when watching the video montages of service members reuniting with their families after a deployment. But honestly, I have to admit my understanding of, and involvement with, the military lifestyle didn’t go much deeper than that. I didn’t know anyone who had served in the military, nor had I experienced the military lifestyle growing up. Now, being neck deep in military life, I realize it’s a big deal! Your life revolves around the military, and it can be tough, especially during deployments. If you love a soldier, there is no doubt that you’re nodding your head as you read this—you get it!

According to the 2010 Military Family Lifestyle Survey conducted by Blue Star Families, 92 percent of military family respondents felt that the general public did not truly understand or appreciate the sacrifices made by service members and their families. Now, we aren’t complaining about our military lifestyle. We have an enormous amount of pride for our soldiers and what they do, but civilian and military lifestyles are definitely different.

These are a few things I’d like nonmilitary families to know about the military lifestyle:

1. Your husband being gone for one to two weeks on a business trip is not comparable to my husband being deployed for three to 12 months in a combat zone. Unless your husband has been in a combat zone, and you have to worry about his life on a daily basis, you simply can’t understand.


2. It is hard to manage on your own when your spouse isn’t around. If your friend or family member is dealing with a deployment, he or she may act differently, as life stressors may drastically increase.


3. Acknowledging the struggles military families are going through, as well as being there as a source of support to listen and help, is extremely valued and appreciated.


4. Not many military spouses will ask for help, and they may be very reluctant to accept it. If you want to do something, don’t ask if they need anything—just do it! Military parents rarely get time alone; offer to babysit, and let your friend or family member have some “me time.”


5. Don’t take it personally if a military spouse or significant other leaves your party early or ends a call with you when his or her spouse calls from Basic Training or overseas. Contact with our soldiers is so limited that we’ll most often drop everything (a phone call, a social engagement, a favorite TV show) just to hear his or her voice and know they’re alright.


6. We don’t want to have a political debate over war just because our loved one serves in the military. We concentrate on the safety and well-being of our soldier, no matter what our political beliefs may be.


7. The smallest gestures sometimes mean the most. Just asking how our soldier is doing means a lot to us, and it helps to know that they haven’t been forgotten while they’re away. Someone once asked me, “What does your husband need, and where can I send it?” That was one of the nicest things I experienced while he was deployed.


8. Two weeks of leave seems like a long and short time to us during a deployment. It’s long since we haven’t seen our soldiers for anywhere from four to seven months, and it’s short because we know they’ll have to leave again soon so we have to cram one year into two weeks. It is hard to share our soldiers with everyone who wants to see them during the two weeks of the year they’re home. Please understand if we can’t fit everything in.


9. Coming home from a deployment is an extreme adjustment for our soldiers. Understand that your friend or family member may act differently for a while, until they reintegrate back into society. Also, help be on the lookout for PTSD symptoms, such as drinking or drug problems, shame, despair, anger and violence.


10. Some soldiers are career military men and women. They don’t necessary “get out” automatically after a deployment—their lives and careers are focused on serving our country. Now, that is something to be proud of!

Share your “What I Wish They Knew” tips and stories on Allison’s Intro to Army Life Facebook page: www.facebook.com/IntroToArmyLife

On The Love of a Veteran

I attended a ceremony at a local Veterans home this morning in observance of Veterans Day. As I sat in the audience listening to the presenters, I was struck by a couple of things.

First, I was struck by the fact that all of the presenters – every last one of them – were Veterans. The vast majority of the people in the audience were Veterans. As I looked around, it seemed as though this event was really about Veterans honoring each other, as opposed to us honoring them. Where were we?

Sheer numbers suggest that the audience should be filled with more civilians honoring Veterans than Veterans honoring each other. There are about 23 million living Veterans in the United States today, and a little over 2.6 million currently serving in some capacity. That’s 8.5% of our population. Where was the remaining 91.5% of us who have not served but live, and have lived our entire lives under the blanket of the freedom that these people have provided to us? I realize that it was a Friday, and many of “us” were at work. But Veterans work, too. If they can get there, why can’t we?

I suddenly remembered conversations I’d had with parents of teen-aged children about their relationships with their children. Conversations about how the child feels entitled to have the parent provide a roof over their head, clothes on their back, food in their stomach, the latest iPod, smart-phone, tickets to the concert, fees for their sports team, and rides and spending money in their pocket to go do… whatever it is that teenagers do. But the child can’t be bothered to spend time with the family, offer a hug, or tell their parents they love them. No, a simple “thank you,” or “I love you” is too much to ask of them.

I thought this is what it must feel like to be a Veteran. To have sacrificed years of your life; in many cases your mental and/or physical health; relationships; financial abundance… the list goes on and on… all in defense of people who don’t even appreciate it, and in some cases are completely indignant and disrespectful in return. And, like the parent who loves their child no matter how self-centered and unappreciative they are, the Veteran continues to serve regardless of how civilians respond; and in many cases even respects the civilian’s right to be disrespectful as an expression of the very freedom that they are defending.

I’m not a parent. And I’m not a Veteran. But I hope that I can love as deeply as they do; and that I can serve as unconditionally.

Thank you, Veterans, for showing me (again) what unconditional love looks like.

And thank you Mom and Dad (a Veteran). I love you.

Flags for Able Company

Today's post is a call for help: a forwarded email that I recieved from the First Sergeant of Able Company, serving in Afghanistan. Here's what he had to say:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been making efforts to complete this project, I have finally asked my friend Barbara Walsh to advised me on who to contact concerning the possibility of having flags donated to Able Company, 1/26 Inf. As I have exhausted all Military avenues and am now looking to civilian assistance as Barbara as is State side I am hoping that perhaps we may accomplish this endeavor.

Let me introduce myself and my partner in crime, the First Sergeant of Able Company, 1/26 Inf. I (Christian L. Molitor) am the Border Operations Advisor to the Company Commander of Able Company and the First Sergeant (John Boxrucker) is the ranking NCO of Able Company. Able Company is stationed at Combat Out Post Terezayi in Khowst Province, Afghanistan. We have been at COP Terezayi since December 2010. Able Company will redeploy back to Fort Knox, and other US Bases some even in the San Antonio area the end of December 2011. I will remain at COP Terezayi until March 2012 to assist the new member and attachment personnel, a US Flag that has flown over COP Terezayi for 9 minutes 11 seconds. We will print up flag certificates stating that the flag was flown over COP Terezayi and include any and all persons, who assisted in donating flags or any other form of donation. I am purchasing the certificates, plexi-glass and wood to make the certificate holders. First Sergeant Boxrucker will make all the certificate holders when he gets back to Fort Knox. This endeavor will require 200 US Flags, the flag holders would be an added bonus but we could do without them if need be.

We are looking to do this so that these troops who have fought and survived a year at the Combat Out Post Terezayi one of the most let’s say there are no amenities for us. We are in one of the largest combat zones and we want to send these boys with a lifelong memorial to their service, to the camaraderie, to the tasks performed and the service of their country.

Timeline for the flags is mid November, so there is enough time to fly the flags and then pack them in one of the connex trailers being shipped back to Fort Knox. If the presentation boxes are possible, they could be shipped to Fort Knox anytime in January. All donors will receive a flag and certificate. I might be able to have either the First Sergeant or the Company Commander come to San Antonio to present the donors with the flag and certificate sometime in March or April after I return back to Texas.

I will be out of pocket for about three weeks starting around 29 Oct. Anything questions you have can be directed to First Sergeant Boxrucker at the following email address: [First Sergeant Boxrucker's contact information removed here -- if you're interested in sending flags, or contacting First Sergeant Boxrucker with questions, please email me at scott@gratitudecampaign.org and I will forward your request to First Sergeant Boxrucker].

Any assistance you could provide would be greatly appreciated by all the personnel of Able Company. This Company has lost two of their own during this deployment. One was 1st Lt. Frison, the Platoon Leader of Second Platoon, Able Company and the second was Specialist Elm of Headquarters Platoon. Lt. Frison was killed in Action last May and SPC Elm was Killed in Action last Friday.

I want to thank you in advance for your time and effort to assist John and me in this special project.

God Bless America
Sincerely
Chris

American Flags are available online through many outlets, including Target.com for $19 each. For less than $100, you could send 5 flags to Able Company. Check it out at http://www.target.com/p/United-States-Embroidered-Flag-3x5/-/A-11177216.

On All or Nothing

It seems like I’ve blogged about this before, although I can’t seem to find this exact phrase in my records. So perhaps it’s worth discussing again if only to take a slightly different approach to it.

Beneath some of the comments that I hear about supporting or not supporting those who serve, there seems to frequently be an “all or nothing” mentality. What I mean is that there seem to be a fair number of people out there who take the approach that they must agree with absolutely every aspect of military service if they’re going to show any support for those who serve – as though you’re only deserving of gratitude if you’ve always done everything “right”, and never done anything “wrong”. (“Right” and “wrong”, of course, being the eye of the beholder.) In my view, this is a philosophy that can only lead to dissatisfaction with everything, everywhere.

Where else in your life do you apply this kind of thinking? Do you leave a lover the first time you disagree? Do you disown a friend the first time they let you down? Do you leave your job the first time they don’t take your advice? Do you give up your kids for adoption they first time they break your rules? Of course not. If this kind of thinking made any sense at all we wouldn’t have laughed at Jerry on Seinfeld every time he broke up with a girl because she had “man hands” or was a “low talker”…

In life we surround ourselves with the people who are generally in alignment with who we see ourselves to be. In fact, some of our best friends and family may only have a handful of qualities that we truly admire and want to cultivate in ourselves. But if those qualities be powerful enough, a handful can be more than enough.

The vast, vast, vast majority of what our military service members do for us (and for others throughout the world) on a daily basis goes unnoticed, and unreported by the media. And, unfortunately, the more sensational, “newsworthy” things they do are frequently the most controversial. But that should not negate the majority of the service that they provide on a daily basis.

If there are aspects of what our military does that you don’t agree with, I would encourage you to speak out about those aspects – preferably to the people who can actually do something about them, like your Congressmen. Just don’t forget the rest of what they do – not the least of which is defending your right to speak out in the first place. And remember that the military is not one Soldier, or one Unit, and it is not one incident in one place at one time. It is two and a half million people currently serving in hundreds of places, in thousands of ways, and over 20 million living Veterans who came before them. There is so much to be grateful for in addition to be concerned about. All you have to do is look for it, and remember it the next time one of those sensational stories hits the airwaves.

And/both.

And/Both: On The Peace Sign - Part 3

If you’re one who feels that we’ve beat this whole Peace Sign issue to death and it’s time to move on, I get that. I feel that a bit myself. But as is often the case debating one issue can bring deeper more fundamental issues to the surface and those are worth discussing, as well. So stick with me here for just a moment as we take this opportunity to discuss one such issue…

One of the things that stood out to me when reading some of the comments about our last few blogs about the Peace sign was how many of those who opposed our use of the Peace sign seemed to completely ignore the idea behind the sign and why we had it on our site, and focused simply on the surface issue of whether or not it was offensive to a handful of Vets. [And let me be clear – I do not say “handful” to be flip. I watch our numbers fairly closely, and the number of Vets who have voiced opposition to the sign compared to those who have not had an issue with it is extremely small.] Several people argued that if the symbol offended any Vets at all we should pull it from our site – regardless of the purpose behind it. They offered no alternative solutions, no new ideas that would achieve the same result in a different package – just “scrap it”, intended message and all.

The irony is that this is exactly the kind of black and white, my way or the highway thinking that created the tension around the sign in the first place. The anti-war protestors of the Vietnam era wanted only one thing: bring the troops home, and let the chips fall where they may. They didn’t care what the ramifications were. They had no alternative solutions to offer government officials that would address their concerns about the spread of communism in Southeast Asia without war. All they cared about was ending the war, and thus they created conflict in their own house. Many feel that in doing so they undermined the war effort, aided our enemies, and thus endangered our service members. For some Vietnam Vets, that is what the Peace sign represents – not peace itself.

One of the key aspects of what we’re calling Responsible Peace is in shifting to an and/both mentality as opposed to an either/or mentality: the idea that we can support our Troops and support Peace. Being productive as opposed to destructive or divisive in this environment requires a willingness to see, acknowledge, and address others’ concerns in order to find compromise wherein they will be willing to address yours. Compromise often requires an ability and willingness to focus on the “what” that you really want – not the surface details, but what is at the root of what you really want -- and to open your mind to “how” you might get what you want in such a way that allows your “opponent” to get what they want, as well.

In this case, we realize that some Vets are offended by the Peace sign due to their own unique experiences with it. And, again, it is not our intention to be disrespectful or to offend those Vets. It is our intention – what we really want – to support those Vets and to do everything in our power to ensure that future service members do not have the same experience that Vietnam Vets did. And we can see no greater way to support a service member than to do what we can to prevent sending them into battle in the future.

Part of the “how” for us in communicating that message is in combining the power of the Peace symbol with our logo, communicating the duality of our message -- the idea of supporting Peace as a means of supporting those who serve. As with most things in life, there is a cost/benefit analysis here in that, while that symbol may carry some bad connotations for a small number of Vietnam Vets, for hundreds of millions of people the world over the Peace sign simply means Peace. We have made the conscious and deliberate choice to risk offending a few in order to connect with and engage the many. Ideally, we would prefer not to offend anyone – especially Vets. But it is a risk we are willing to take in order to propagate a new social paradigm. We hope that any Vietnam Vets who are offended by the sign itself will choose to focus on the intent behind the message, and not on the package it comes in – to allow us the concession of using a symbol that holds a different connotation for them than it does for us for the benefit of getting what we all want, which is to support, protect, and defend those who serve as they do for us.

If we could all apply this sort of thinking on a more global scale – respect, understanding of intent, compromise -- would we ever go to war again? Just something to think about…

On 9/11 + 10

Today I find myself searching for something profound to say. Something that will bring some solace on a day otherwise filled with grief and remembrance. I’m not sure why I feel responsible for that. The truth is that there is likely nothing that I can say that hasn’t been said, no words that I can offer that will change what was, and what has been since. And even if I could, I’m not sure that that would really serve anything. Sometimes, it is important and valuable to just sit with the grief, and not try to change it.

So I will say simply this: today is a day of remembrance. A day to remember those who have passed; both the innocent victims of a senseless crime, the heroes who died trying to save even more than they already had, and the heroes who have lost their lives to prevent more attacks from happening since or into the future.

It is also a day to remember and be incredibly grateful for those who survived and are still with us today.

I hope that everyone will take at least a few moments today to pray, meditate, grieve, think, just be silent - whatever label you want to put on it – for anyone and everyone touched by the events of 9/11; and if you were not personally touched by those events, to be grateful for that, and for those who serve to make sure that you are not touched by any such similar attacks now, or in the future.

If you were personally touched by the events of 9/11 – perhaps you lost a family member, a friend, a coworker, a fellow firefighter or police officer – I hope that you’ll take a moment today to close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Listen to silence. And in that moment, feel the subtle pressure on your chest of a warm embrace, and the moist sensation of tears on your shoulder from your fellow human beings sharing your grief today, and know that our hearts are with you.