On "Home of the Brave"

I just finished watching the movie Home of the Brave (2006). What a powerful movie. So often in our want and need to check out from our daily lives we choose movies that are fantastical, or action-packed, to give us that escape or that adrenaline rush that we need to make us feel alive again. And there is certainly some of that in Home of the Brave; but there is also much more.

The movie chronicles the experience of four Soldiers returning from service in Iraq, and trying to transition back into their old lives. It was striking to me, and very telling, how many scenes in the movie reflect stories that I’ve heard from combat veterans – issues with getting proper benefits and treatment for injuries and wounds; feeling overly medicated to deal with post-traumatic stress and medical issues; struggling to deal with a world that seems so trivial and unimportant now; and one scene where being cut off by a random car in traffic brings out a combat-like reaction that is totally disproportionate to the situation. That scene was almost verbatim what I’d heard from a Soldier nearly three years ago.

There are certain phrases that we hear throughout our lives, some on almost a daily basis, that we eventually take for granted and don’t give much energy to anymore; “home of the brave” being one of them. We’ve all heard that so many times that we likely don’t give it much energy anymore; at least not as much energy as it is probably due. But what struck me in a very powerful way at the end of Home of the Brave was that perhaps that phrase isn’t limited to those who have bravely served in combat. That may be the most obvious, and perhaps most significant display of bravery that we can point to. But it is not the only example that exists, nor is it the only one that we need.

There is another bravery that we need right now, and that is from us – civilians. We need to be brave enough to support those who serve for us. We need to repay their bravery with ours. Now, you may be thinking, “What bravery is required of us? What can we do that is so ‘brave’?” The answer is we need to be brave enough to love and support those who need us, despite how challenging that might appear at times. Just as a Soldier displays bravery in helping a fallen comrade out of a hot zone and back to safety, we have a responsibility to help our Veterans and Service Members back to safety.

That means holding a space for them wherein they can safely make their transition back to the world without combat. It means holding our judgment of behaviors that appear out of the norm. It means allowing them the time and space to re-acclimate. It means respecting their experience and holding them in the highest esteem even when they appear to be at their weakest. It means acknowledging that we cannot possibly understand what they are thinking or feeling, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t try. It means offering understanding as best we can given our lack of direct experience, and not pitying them if they are struggling. And it means loving them when they are not being very loveable.

There is a scene in the movie in which Samuel L. Jackson is standing calm and controlled as another Soldier waves a pistol in his face. He is calm, partly because he knows that he must remain calm to diffuse the situation, and partly because he understands what the Soldier is going through. Brave. When these Service Members come home, it is our turn to be that brave. To stand calm, but supportive, with respect, and dignity, and compassion, and the most understanding that we can possibly offer, and to love them back to a place of safety just as they would for any fallen comrade, whatever that place of safety looks like for them.

That is how we as civilians can help earn the title, Home of the Brave.

Guest Blog: The Iraq War Is Over. Now What?

By Allison Mewes

After more than eight years in Iraq, U.S. troops have finally come home; the Afghan war is winding down as well. We can all breathe a sigh of relief once the remainder of our US troops are home. We can finally close the book, move on and put these wars behind us, right? Wrong.

When our soldiers come home, they need our support more than ever.

During combat, soldiers are assigned battle buddies. They watch each other’s back, support one another and are trained to live or die for their comrade. When soldiers come home and integrate back into civilian life, their battle buddy isn’t always there to look out for them or notice changes in their behavior. Of course soldier’s friends and families look after them once they’re home, but as civilians, we don’t always know the warning signs to look for to ensure a healthy reintegration. Since we can’t possibly understand what soldiers in combat situations have been through, how do we successfully help them adjust to life back at home?

Soldiers not only need to adapt back to our civilized world, but they need to reintegrate with their spouses, children, friends and families after long stretches of time apart—Reserve and Guardsman also adjust back to their 8-5 day jobs. These changes don’t necessarily come easy after long, combat deployments. Soldiers may be safely at home, but what they saw, experienced and lived through stays in their hearts and minds forever.

You may want to help and wonder what you can do to assist returning soldiers? There are many things you can do to support a soldier upon their return.

1. Look for PTSD symptoms – It has been reported by PsychOrg.com that upwards of 18% of returning soldiers they tested met the criteria for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). One of the most important things you can do is keep an eye out for PTSD symptoms which typically surface three months to years after a traumatic experience. The most common symptoms are;

§ Flashbacks and upsetting dreams – relieving the experience

§ Hyperarousal – always keyed up and on alert for something bad to happen and increased irritability, anger or trouble sleeping.

§ Avoidance of friends and family and emotional numbness – showing a lack of interest in things enjoyed before the war, hopelessness and memory problems.

If you know someone suffering from PTSD, there are many available resources that can help. Learn more about PTSD symptoms and what to watch for so you can be prepared to take action if you see a soldier struggling with symptoms.

2. Employ a soldier – NBC Nightly News recently reported that upwards of 20% of veterans are unemployed. Think about how you or your business could employ a veteran. A few programs currently running are; Hire a Hero allows you to post a resume and view employers online, The Veterans Job Bank is for job seekers and employers alike, and grass roots efforts such as a farm in California called Archie’s Acres. The farm is owned by a veteran Marine and they hire returning vets while encouraging them to nurture rather than destroy by working on a farm.

3. Don’t encourage bad behaviors – If your loved one came home drinking much more than they did when they left, don’t encourage this behavior by pouring them another drink and cheering them on. Drugs and alcohol are an escape mechanism soldiers may use to help “forget” the war and could be another sign of PTSD. If you notice your friend or family member is drinking or using drugs more heavily, tell them you notice and encourage them to see a doctor or talk to someone. Left untreated, the behavior and consequences will worsen.

If you feel like your loved one is acting differently, his/her behaviors seem to be spiraling out of control and you’re not sure what to do, there are resources available. Ask a chaplain, veteran’s center, MFLC (Military Family Life Consultant) or counselor for help. If they don’t have a PTSD program, they can direct you to the appropriate resources.

They say it takes a village to raise child. Well, it also takes a community to look out for the soldiers who have sacrificed so much for our freedoms. It’s the least we can do in return for all they’ve done for us.

Allison Mewes is a proud Army Wife, and author of Intro to Army Life, a guidebook for spouses, significant others, and families entering the military lifestyle for the first time. To learn more about her work, please check out: www.facebook.com/IntroToArmyLife

On "Hands" by Jewel

Every year around Christmas time there seems to be one song in our play list of over 900 holiday songs that stands out and holds extra meaning for me. It varies from year to year. This year, with so many of our troops returning from Iraq, the obvious choice seems to be Happy Christmas (War is Over) by John Lennon; and that song has been significant to us this year. But for some reason, the song that seems to hold even more meaning – that brings tears to my wife’s and my eyes every time we hear it – is Hands by Jewel. To be perfectly honest, after listening to it for weeks now, I still can’t say that I’m crystal clear on why it is so powerful for me this year. I have some ideas… Perhaps you can tell me:

in the end only kindness matters

if i could tell the world just one thing
it would be that we're all okay
and not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these
i won't be made useless
i won't be idle with despair
i'll gather myself around my faith
for light does the darkness most fear

my hands are small, i know
but they're not yours,
they are my own
but they're not yours,
they are my own
and i am never broken

poverty stole your golden shoes
it didn't steal your laughter
and heartache came to visit me
but i knew it wasn't ever after
we will fight not out of spite
for someone must stand up for what's right

'cause where there's a man who has no voice
there ours shall go singing

my hands are small, i know
but they're not yours,
they are my own
but they're not yours,
they are my own
i am never broken

('cuz) in the end only kindness matters
in the end only kindness matters
i will get down on my knees, and i will pray

my hands are small, i know
but they're not yours,
they are my own
but they're not yours,
they are my own
and i am never broken
we are never broken

we are god's eyes
god's hands
we are god's eyes
we are reflections of god
(god's hands)
we are reflections of god
(we are god's eyes)
we are reflections of god

Now, if you’re not a religious person (as I am not), then please feel free to insert the word “universe”, “source energy”, “zero point field”, or even “each other” where you see the word “god” in this song – the point remains the same.

I’m starting to understand what this song means to me, and why it is so incredibly powerful.

What does it mean to you?

Guest Blog: Allison Mewes' Top 10 Things We Wish Nonmilitary Families Knew

Continuing our series on what military families wish civilians knew about military life, this week’s blog comes from Allison Mewes, a military wife and writer. Allison’s husband is a Sergeant in the Active Guard Reserve, currently serving in Iraq. Allison was kind enough to share an excerpt from her forthcoming book, Intro to Army Life: A handbook for spouses and significant others entering the Army lifestyle:

Before becoming a military spouse, I would tear up when watching the video montages of service members reuniting with their families after a deployment. But honestly, I have to admit my understanding of, and involvement with, the military lifestyle didn’t go much deeper than that. I didn’t know anyone who had served in the military, nor had I experienced the military lifestyle growing up. Now, being neck deep in military life, I realize it’s a big deal! Your life revolves around the military, and it can be tough, especially during deployments. If you love a soldier, there is no doubt that you’re nodding your head as you read this—you get it!

According to the 2010 Military Family Lifestyle Survey conducted by Blue Star Families, 92 percent of military family respondents felt that the general public did not truly understand or appreciate the sacrifices made by service members and their families. Now, we aren’t complaining about our military lifestyle. We have an enormous amount of pride for our soldiers and what they do, but civilian and military lifestyles are definitely different.

These are a few things I’d like nonmilitary families to know about the military lifestyle:

1. Your husband being gone for one to two weeks on a business trip is not comparable to my husband being deployed for three to 12 months in a combat zone. Unless your husband has been in a combat zone, and you have to worry about his life on a daily basis, you simply can’t understand.


2. It is hard to manage on your own when your spouse isn’t around. If your friend or family member is dealing with a deployment, he or she may act differently, as life stressors may drastically increase.


3. Acknowledging the struggles military families are going through, as well as being there as a source of support to listen and help, is extremely valued and appreciated.


4. Not many military spouses will ask for help, and they may be very reluctant to accept it. If you want to do something, don’t ask if they need anything—just do it! Military parents rarely get time alone; offer to babysit, and let your friend or family member have some “me time.”


5. Don’t take it personally if a military spouse or significant other leaves your party early or ends a call with you when his or her spouse calls from Basic Training or overseas. Contact with our soldiers is so limited that we’ll most often drop everything (a phone call, a social engagement, a favorite TV show) just to hear his or her voice and know they’re alright.


6. We don’t want to have a political debate over war just because our loved one serves in the military. We concentrate on the safety and well-being of our soldier, no matter what our political beliefs may be.


7. The smallest gestures sometimes mean the most. Just asking how our soldier is doing means a lot to us, and it helps to know that they haven’t been forgotten while they’re away. Someone once asked me, “What does your husband need, and where can I send it?” That was one of the nicest things I experienced while he was deployed.


8. Two weeks of leave seems like a long and short time to us during a deployment. It’s long since we haven’t seen our soldiers for anywhere from four to seven months, and it’s short because we know they’ll have to leave again soon so we have to cram one year into two weeks. It is hard to share our soldiers with everyone who wants to see them during the two weeks of the year they’re home. Please understand if we can’t fit everything in.


9. Coming home from a deployment is an extreme adjustment for our soldiers. Understand that your friend or family member may act differently for a while, until they reintegrate back into society. Also, help be on the lookout for PTSD symptoms, such as drinking or drug problems, shame, despair, anger and violence.


10. Some soldiers are career military men and women. They don’t necessary “get out” automatically after a deployment—their lives and careers are focused on serving our country. Now, that is something to be proud of!

Share your “What I Wish They Knew” tips and stories on Allison’s Intro to Army Life Facebook page: www.facebook.com/IntroToArmyLife

On The Love of a Veteran

I attended a ceremony at a local Veterans home this morning in observance of Veterans Day. As I sat in the audience listening to the presenters, I was struck by a couple of things.

First, I was struck by the fact that all of the presenters – every last one of them – were Veterans. The vast majority of the people in the audience were Veterans. As I looked around, it seemed as though this event was really about Veterans honoring each other, as opposed to us honoring them. Where were we?

Sheer numbers suggest that the audience should be filled with more civilians honoring Veterans than Veterans honoring each other. There are about 23 million living Veterans in the United States today, and a little over 2.6 million currently serving in some capacity. That’s 8.5% of our population. Where was the remaining 91.5% of us who have not served but live, and have lived our entire lives under the blanket of the freedom that these people have provided to us? I realize that it was a Friday, and many of “us” were at work. But Veterans work, too. If they can get there, why can’t we?

I suddenly remembered conversations I’d had with parents of teen-aged children about their relationships with their children. Conversations about how the child feels entitled to have the parent provide a roof over their head, clothes on their back, food in their stomach, the latest iPod, smart-phone, tickets to the concert, fees for their sports team, and rides and spending money in their pocket to go do… whatever it is that teenagers do. But the child can’t be bothered to spend time with the family, offer a hug, or tell their parents they love them. No, a simple “thank you,” or “I love you” is too much to ask of them.

I thought this is what it must feel like to be a Veteran. To have sacrificed years of your life; in many cases your mental and/or physical health; relationships; financial abundance… the list goes on and on… all in defense of people who don’t even appreciate it, and in some cases are completely indignant and disrespectful in return. And, like the parent who loves their child no matter how self-centered and unappreciative they are, the Veteran continues to serve regardless of how civilians respond; and in many cases even respects the civilian’s right to be disrespectful as an expression of the very freedom that they are defending.

I’m not a parent. And I’m not a Veteran. But I hope that I can love as deeply as they do; and that I can serve as unconditionally.

Thank you, Veterans, for showing me (again) what unconditional love looks like.

And thank you Mom and Dad (a Veteran). I love you.

Flags for Able Company

Today's post is a call for help: a forwarded email that I recieved from the First Sergeant of Able Company, serving in Afghanistan. Here's what he had to say:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been making efforts to complete this project, I have finally asked my friend Barbara Walsh to advised me on who to contact concerning the possibility of having flags donated to Able Company, 1/26 Inf. As I have exhausted all Military avenues and am now looking to civilian assistance as Barbara as is State side I am hoping that perhaps we may accomplish this endeavor.

Let me introduce myself and my partner in crime, the First Sergeant of Able Company, 1/26 Inf. I (Christian L. Molitor) am the Border Operations Advisor to the Company Commander of Able Company and the First Sergeant (John Boxrucker) is the ranking NCO of Able Company. Able Company is stationed at Combat Out Post Terezayi in Khowst Province, Afghanistan. We have been at COP Terezayi since December 2010. Able Company will redeploy back to Fort Knox, and other US Bases some even in the San Antonio area the end of December 2011. I will remain at COP Terezayi until March 2012 to assist the new member and attachment personnel, a US Flag that has flown over COP Terezayi for 9 minutes 11 seconds. We will print up flag certificates stating that the flag was flown over COP Terezayi and include any and all persons, who assisted in donating flags or any other form of donation. I am purchasing the certificates, plexi-glass and wood to make the certificate holders. First Sergeant Boxrucker will make all the certificate holders when he gets back to Fort Knox. This endeavor will require 200 US Flags, the flag holders would be an added bonus but we could do without them if need be.

We are looking to do this so that these troops who have fought and survived a year at the Combat Out Post Terezayi one of the most let’s say there are no amenities for us. We are in one of the largest combat zones and we want to send these boys with a lifelong memorial to their service, to the camaraderie, to the tasks performed and the service of their country.

Timeline for the flags is mid November, so there is enough time to fly the flags and then pack them in one of the connex trailers being shipped back to Fort Knox. If the presentation boxes are possible, they could be shipped to Fort Knox anytime in January. All donors will receive a flag and certificate. I might be able to have either the First Sergeant or the Company Commander come to San Antonio to present the donors with the flag and certificate sometime in March or April after I return back to Texas.

I will be out of pocket for about three weeks starting around 29 Oct. Anything questions you have can be directed to First Sergeant Boxrucker at the following email address: [First Sergeant Boxrucker's contact information removed here -- if you're interested in sending flags, or contacting First Sergeant Boxrucker with questions, please email me at scott@gratitudecampaign.org and I will forward your request to First Sergeant Boxrucker].

Any assistance you could provide would be greatly appreciated by all the personnel of Able Company. This Company has lost two of their own during this deployment. One was 1st Lt. Frison, the Platoon Leader of Second Platoon, Able Company and the second was Specialist Elm of Headquarters Platoon. Lt. Frison was killed in Action last May and SPC Elm was Killed in Action last Friday.

I want to thank you in advance for your time and effort to assist John and me in this special project.

God Bless America
Sincerely
Chris

American Flags are available online through many outlets, including Target.com for $19 each. For less than $100, you could send 5 flags to Able Company. Check it out at http://www.target.com/p/United-States-Embroidered-Flag-3x5/-/A-11177216.

On All or Nothing

It seems like I’ve blogged about this before, although I can’t seem to find this exact phrase in my records. So perhaps it’s worth discussing again if only to take a slightly different approach to it.

Beneath some of the comments that I hear about supporting or not supporting those who serve, there seems to frequently be an “all or nothing” mentality. What I mean is that there seem to be a fair number of people out there who take the approach that they must agree with absolutely every aspect of military service if they’re going to show any support for those who serve – as though you’re only deserving of gratitude if you’ve always done everything “right”, and never done anything “wrong”. (“Right” and “wrong”, of course, being the eye of the beholder.) In my view, this is a philosophy that can only lead to dissatisfaction with everything, everywhere.

Where else in your life do you apply this kind of thinking? Do you leave a lover the first time you disagree? Do you disown a friend the first time they let you down? Do you leave your job the first time they don’t take your advice? Do you give up your kids for adoption they first time they break your rules? Of course not. If this kind of thinking made any sense at all we wouldn’t have laughed at Jerry on Seinfeld every time he broke up with a girl because she had “man hands” or was a “low talker”…

In life we surround ourselves with the people who are generally in alignment with who we see ourselves to be. In fact, some of our best friends and family may only have a handful of qualities that we truly admire and want to cultivate in ourselves. But if those qualities be powerful enough, a handful can be more than enough.

The vast, vast, vast majority of what our military service members do for us (and for others throughout the world) on a daily basis goes unnoticed, and unreported by the media. And, unfortunately, the more sensational, “newsworthy” things they do are frequently the most controversial. But that should not negate the majority of the service that they provide on a daily basis.

If there are aspects of what our military does that you don’t agree with, I would encourage you to speak out about those aspects – preferably to the people who can actually do something about them, like your Congressmen. Just don’t forget the rest of what they do – not the least of which is defending your right to speak out in the first place. And remember that the military is not one Soldier, or one Unit, and it is not one incident in one place at one time. It is two and a half million people currently serving in hundreds of places, in thousands of ways, and over 20 million living Veterans who came before them. There is so much to be grateful for in addition to be concerned about. All you have to do is look for it, and remember it the next time one of those sensational stories hits the airwaves.

And/both.