This past weekend I had a rare opportunity. My wife was out of town for the weekend. So I took advantage of the time I had alone to rent a couple of guy movies; one of which was “Brothers” (2009 - Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman).
The movie follows two brothers, one of which is serving in Afghanistan (Maguire). The other is fresh out of prison (Gyllenhaal), and back at home trying to support his brother’s wife (Portman) and kids in his absence. When Maguire is reported killed in action, the bond between Gyllenhaal and Portman becomes very close and, in their grief, teeters on romantic. This creates a fair amount of drama when it is discovered that Maguire is still alive, and he returns home.
In the midst of the tension between Maguire and Portman over her relationship with Gyllenhaal, however, is a much more common and all too real drama -- the tension created between spouses when one returns home from serving in a combat zone having experienced things that they cannot share with the spouse who remained home.
There is a very powerful scene in the movie in which Maguire is meeting with his commanding officer to request a return to Afghanistan. His commander asks, “How are things with the family?” Maguire responds, “They just don’t understand. No one does. I just want to get back to my men.”
I’ve had the opportunity to speak with a few Veterans who’ve served in combat zones; some in more than one combat zone. I’ve been very honored by their willingness to discuss their experiences with me. Although some of their stories are not pleasant to hear, and I have often found myself at a complete loss as to what to say in response, or how to support them, at the same time I know that it is important for them to be able to talk about it when and if they can. They know that I can’t truly understand their experience, because I have never experienced anything like what they have. I have no frame of reference that even comes close. And I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to tell someone what you’ve witnessed, or perhaps even participated in, for fear of judgment. It is this feeling of “they won’t get it” or “they won’t understand” that creates huge disconnects between the people who have experienced war, and those who have not.
I’m no expert on Post Traumatic Stress. I have no formal training in psychology or counseling. But if I could offer some advice based on what I’ve learned in my own experience, it would be this:
Listen. Show an interest in and a willingness to listen. Create a safe space for them to let what they're holding inside out. Ask questions. But do not judge. Acknowledge, to them and to yourself, that you will never completely understand what they have to tell you. Listen anyway. It is important for them to be able to talk about their experience with someone who can offer compassion and empathy.
Recognize that war is insane. It is an exercise in placing sane people into an insane situation, and we cannot expect people to behave sanely in an insane situation. Many of our Service Personnel have to become different versions of themselves just to survive the experience of war. They may never get back to the person they were before this experience. It’s probably not fair and reasonable of us to expect them to. If this person is someone that you love, love the new version of them. Be patient. Be kind. Be understanding. Be respectful. And understand that that might come in the form of respecting their choice not to tell you about their experience. You might encourage them to talk to someone who would understand. There are many options available through the VA. Sometimes just giving them the opportunity to talk is enough of a gesture to make it ok for them to open up to someone else.
We asked them to serve. The least that we can do in return is to hold a space for them to process their experience of serving with dignity, love, respect, and understanding.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
On Contagious Gratitude
Yesterday I was flying home from a business trip. Prior to boarding the plane, I noticed one active military member and one Veteran waiting in the gate area for my same flight. I went over to each of them, as I typically do, I shook their hands, and I thanked them for serving for us. I learned that the Veteran was a Veteran of WWII, having served in the Philippines. Being somewhat of a WWII history buff, I know what that service means, and I was very struck, and honored just to have met him. Both he and the younger Soldier were very gracious, and clearly appreciated my recognition of their service.
As we were boarding the plane and passengers were getting settled, I spoke with two of the flight attendants. I had flown this airline just a few days prior, so I was aware that they offered several snack items, drinks, and in-flight entertainment that were not included in the fare, but could be purchased for a small additional fee. I explained to the flight attendants that I had observed at least one, perhaps two active military personnel and one Veteran who would be on the flight with us, and I told them that I would like to cover anything that these Service Men would like to have during the flight. Both of the flight attendants were visibly struck by my offer. One even noted, “Oh, that’s so sweet of you!” I replied, “Well, I’m grateful.”
As it turned out, the active military member slept throughout the flight, and did not have the opportunity to take advantage of my offer. The Veteran accepted a snack item, which he later walked the full length of the plane to come thank me for; which I was again struck by. This man had helped to define the very world in which I live, and the freedom and prosperity that I have enjoyed since birth, and here he was offering me a very heartfelt thank-you for a $4 snack item.
My point in sharing this story, however, is not even about the Soldier or the Veteran, but rather about the flight attendants. Over the course of the flight, they offered me free snacks, a free beverage (that would have otherwise cost extra), and they swiped their own card to provide me with free entertainment. And they never did allow me to pay for the snack that the WWII Veteran ordered. So, in the end, not only did the Veteran get a little bit of well-deserved recognition and gratitude, but it cost me nothing to give it to him. And what’s more, I got some too. The flight attendant who swiped her card to cover my in-flight entertainment remarked when she was done, “See? When you do good for others, you get good back yourself.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Gratitude is contagious. Pass it on.
The airline was Frontier, by the way. Fly with them if you can. Power to the Positive.
As we were boarding the plane and passengers were getting settled, I spoke with two of the flight attendants. I had flown this airline just a few days prior, so I was aware that they offered several snack items, drinks, and in-flight entertainment that were not included in the fare, but could be purchased for a small additional fee. I explained to the flight attendants that I had observed at least one, perhaps two active military personnel and one Veteran who would be on the flight with us, and I told them that I would like to cover anything that these Service Men would like to have during the flight. Both of the flight attendants were visibly struck by my offer. One even noted, “Oh, that’s so sweet of you!” I replied, “Well, I’m grateful.”
As it turned out, the active military member slept throughout the flight, and did not have the opportunity to take advantage of my offer. The Veteran accepted a snack item, which he later walked the full length of the plane to come thank me for; which I was again struck by. This man had helped to define the very world in which I live, and the freedom and prosperity that I have enjoyed since birth, and here he was offering me a very heartfelt thank-you for a $4 snack item.
My point in sharing this story, however, is not even about the Soldier or the Veteran, but rather about the flight attendants. Over the course of the flight, they offered me free snacks, a free beverage (that would have otherwise cost extra), and they swiped their own card to provide me with free entertainment. And they never did allow me to pay for the snack that the WWII Veteran ordered. So, in the end, not only did the Veteran get a little bit of well-deserved recognition and gratitude, but it cost me nothing to give it to him. And what’s more, I got some too. The flight attendant who swiped her card to cover my in-flight entertainment remarked when she was done, “See? When you do good for others, you get good back yourself.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Gratitude is contagious. Pass it on.
The airline was Frontier, by the way. Fly with them if you can. Power to the Positive.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
On Glorifying War
You may have noticed that I haven't posted a blog in a while. As hard as it may be for those who know me to believe, occassionally I do run short on things to say. But then something always pops up...
Today I was notified of an opinion piece about thegratitudecampaign published in several news papers, including The Christian Science Monitor, by a freelance writer and college professor named David McGrath. Mr. McGrath, it seems, takes issue with our campaign because he beleives that it glorifies war, and he is particularly concerned about how that influences our children.
You can find Mr. McGrath's piece here: http://www.csmonitor.com/Commentary/Opinion/2010/0816/Support-our-troops-Not-with-an-empty-gesture
In response to Mr. McGrath's article, I have offered to The Christian Science Monitor the following letter:
Mr. McGrath:
I read your piece on your decision not to participate in thegratitudecampaign. First and foremost, I would like to acknowledge your right to your own opinion, and your freedom under the Constitution to express that opinion; a freedom that has been defended by those who serve for over two hundred years. So, with regard to your exercising your freedoms, I applaud you.
Having said that, I am struck by the fact that in addition to being a freelance writer, you are also a professor. I have attended three colleges and one university, and if there was one thing that my professors impressed upon me with regard to anything that I wrote, it was that I did the appropriate research prior to making an assertion. Even in matters of opinion, they said, only informed opinions can stand up to scrutiny. While I respect your right to your own opinion, and I take no issue with you choosing not to participate in thegratitudecampaign, I do wonder if the opinion that you have published here for the world to see was an informed one.
If I understand your argument correctly, you seem to be taking issue with two things: The glorification of war, and the affect that that has on our children.
First, to the glorification of war: I wonder if, prior to forming and publishing your opinion, you took the time to read the materials available on our web site along with the video that you take issue with. Did you, for instance, read the FAQ/Comments page of our web site on which we discuss that this campaign is about gratitude for service – not for war. Or that a large percentage of our active service personnel and our Veterans have never served in a combat zone, or fired a weapon in anger. Or that this campaign is just the first step in helping civilians to engage and understand our service members so that they will be more likely to support them in additional, more tangible ways. Or that, contrary to public opinion, it is possible to support our Troops and support Peace -- in fact we support Peace because we support our Troops. Or that our campaign is not about the war in Iraq, or in Afghanistan. Rather, it is about showing gratitude for service to our fellow man. Or that war itself – killing and dying for a cause – is a failure on our part as human beings to resolve our disputes through more civilized means, and that we as civilians bear the responsibility for preventing future wars.
Did you read our blogs on the psychology of gratitude, and giving power to the positive? Or on the dangers of hero worship, and of overcorrecting? Did you read any of that, and consider it before forming your opinion? For that matter, did you notice that there is not a single image in our video of combat or violence of any kind? Did you notice that there isn’t even a single weapon shown in our video? I am a fairly objective and reasonable man, Mr. McGrath, but I am hard pressed to find anything in our video or associated in any way with our campaign that glorifies war. To the contrary, we make it abundantly clear that we see war as failure.
With regard to influencing our children, first, I’m not sure that I agree with you that children are incapable of distinguishing between showing gratitude for service, and glorifying war. As parents, and as a society, we have a responsibility to teach our children our shared beliefs and values. And, while it may be true that they may not yet fully comprehend all aspects of one of our values or how it plays a part in how we interact with one another as human beings that does not mean that the best solution is to simply choose not to teach it to them. When I was six years old I did not fully understand why it was so important to my parents that I say “please” and “thank you”, or that I chew with my mouth closed, or that I not interrupt people in mid-sentence. Fortunately, the human mind does not stop developing at age six. I learned those lessons, and as I got into my teens and early twenties, I learned to appreciate the “why” behind those lessons.
When I was twelve years old I asked my father – a retired Air Force Captain who specialized in electrical systems on nuclear missiles – how he felt about being such a warm, loving, peaceful man working on weapons that were capable of killing millions of people. He responded that the way he saw it, if he did his job really, really well, those missiles would never be fired. Even as a twelve year old, I understood what he was saying. And to this day the missiles he worked on have never been fired. And many have been or are being dismantled.
Admittedly, the concepts that someone could choose to serve and themselves not believe that war is glorious, or of civilians being able to support Peace and still support our Troops, or of separating our gratitude for the warrior from our distaste of the war are challenging – even for many adults. But just because they’re challenging concepts doesn’t mean we should avoid them. To the contrary, avoiding them may be the very thing that allows war to continue. And, ironically, it may just be that our children are more capable of understanding them than we are, as they have not yet been socialized to believe that service and peace are incompatible.
In conclusion, Mr. McGrath, I share your concern about our society glorifying war, and especially in the eyes of our children. But if we’re going to do something about society teaching our children to glorify war, it seems to me that we should be much more concerned about the literally millions of simulated killings that our children see on television and in the movies, and even participate in through war-themed video games than about a campaign that encourages peace, responsibility, and gratitude for service to your fellow man. Of course, you have the right to disagree.
Sincerely,
Scott Truitt
FOUNDER
thegratitudecampaign
Today I was notified of an opinion piece about thegratitudecampaign published in several news papers, including The Christian Science Monitor, by a freelance writer and college professor named David McGrath. Mr. McGrath, it seems, takes issue with our campaign because he beleives that it glorifies war, and he is particularly concerned about how that influences our children.
You can find Mr. McGrath's piece here: http://www.csmonitor.com/Commentary/Opinion/2010/0816/Support-our-troops-Not-with-an-empty-gesture
In response to Mr. McGrath's article, I have offered to The Christian Science Monitor the following letter:
Mr. McGrath:
I read your piece on your decision not to participate in thegratitudecampaign. First and foremost, I would like to acknowledge your right to your own opinion, and your freedom under the Constitution to express that opinion; a freedom that has been defended by those who serve for over two hundred years. So, with regard to your exercising your freedoms, I applaud you.
Having said that, I am struck by the fact that in addition to being a freelance writer, you are also a professor. I have attended three colleges and one university, and if there was one thing that my professors impressed upon me with regard to anything that I wrote, it was that I did the appropriate research prior to making an assertion. Even in matters of opinion, they said, only informed opinions can stand up to scrutiny. While I respect your right to your own opinion, and I take no issue with you choosing not to participate in thegratitudecampaign, I do wonder if the opinion that you have published here for the world to see was an informed one.
If I understand your argument correctly, you seem to be taking issue with two things: The glorification of war, and the affect that that has on our children.
First, to the glorification of war: I wonder if, prior to forming and publishing your opinion, you took the time to read the materials available on our web site along with the video that you take issue with. Did you, for instance, read the FAQ/Comments page of our web site on which we discuss that this campaign is about gratitude for service – not for war. Or that a large percentage of our active service personnel and our Veterans have never served in a combat zone, or fired a weapon in anger. Or that this campaign is just the first step in helping civilians to engage and understand our service members so that they will be more likely to support them in additional, more tangible ways. Or that, contrary to public opinion, it is possible to support our Troops and support Peace -- in fact we support Peace because we support our Troops. Or that our campaign is not about the war in Iraq, or in Afghanistan. Rather, it is about showing gratitude for service to our fellow man. Or that war itself – killing and dying for a cause – is a failure on our part as human beings to resolve our disputes through more civilized means, and that we as civilians bear the responsibility for preventing future wars.
Did you read our blogs on the psychology of gratitude, and giving power to the positive? Or on the dangers of hero worship, and of overcorrecting? Did you read any of that, and consider it before forming your opinion? For that matter, did you notice that there is not a single image in our video of combat or violence of any kind? Did you notice that there isn’t even a single weapon shown in our video? I am a fairly objective and reasonable man, Mr. McGrath, but I am hard pressed to find anything in our video or associated in any way with our campaign that glorifies war. To the contrary, we make it abundantly clear that we see war as failure.
With regard to influencing our children, first, I’m not sure that I agree with you that children are incapable of distinguishing between showing gratitude for service, and glorifying war. As parents, and as a society, we have a responsibility to teach our children our shared beliefs and values. And, while it may be true that they may not yet fully comprehend all aspects of one of our values or how it plays a part in how we interact with one another as human beings that does not mean that the best solution is to simply choose not to teach it to them. When I was six years old I did not fully understand why it was so important to my parents that I say “please” and “thank you”, or that I chew with my mouth closed, or that I not interrupt people in mid-sentence. Fortunately, the human mind does not stop developing at age six. I learned those lessons, and as I got into my teens and early twenties, I learned to appreciate the “why” behind those lessons.
When I was twelve years old I asked my father – a retired Air Force Captain who specialized in electrical systems on nuclear missiles – how he felt about being such a warm, loving, peaceful man working on weapons that were capable of killing millions of people. He responded that the way he saw it, if he did his job really, really well, those missiles would never be fired. Even as a twelve year old, I understood what he was saying. And to this day the missiles he worked on have never been fired. And many have been or are being dismantled.
Admittedly, the concepts that someone could choose to serve and themselves not believe that war is glorious, or of civilians being able to support Peace and still support our Troops, or of separating our gratitude for the warrior from our distaste of the war are challenging – even for many adults. But just because they’re challenging concepts doesn’t mean we should avoid them. To the contrary, avoiding them may be the very thing that allows war to continue. And, ironically, it may just be that our children are more capable of understanding them than we are, as they have not yet been socialized to believe that service and peace are incompatible.
In conclusion, Mr. McGrath, I share your concern about our society glorifying war, and especially in the eyes of our children. But if we’re going to do something about society teaching our children to glorify war, it seems to me that we should be much more concerned about the literally millions of simulated killings that our children see on television and in the movies, and even participate in through war-themed video games than about a campaign that encourages peace, responsibility, and gratitude for service to your fellow man. Of course, you have the right to disagree.
Sincerely,
Scott Truitt
FOUNDER
thegratitudecampaign
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
On Christmas In July
Here in the Pacific Northwest, we have a chain of mattress stores that runs a promo nearly every year called “Christmas in July”. Now, I’m a Brand Strategist and Designer, and I work with a lot of retailers. So I’m pretty familiar with commercialism and materialism; and in most cases, I’m ok with it. But “Christmas in July”, I think, has to be the most blatant commercialism of Christmas I’ve seen, associating Christmas with the sale of a product during a season that has nothing whatsoever to do with the celebration of Christmas.
Having said that, it does bring up an interesting issue; one that I wrote about in January of this year. So this “Christmas in July”, I thought I’d revisit my post from January, just as a reminder:
How many of us watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special every year? And how many more just enjoy the Vince Guaraldi music from that special? In his song, “Christmas Time is Here” there is a line that says, “Oh that we could always see such spirit through the year.” There’s another song in my rotation called “I Wish Every Day Could Be Like Christmas” by Jon Bon Jovi. And I’m sure that there are many more with similar sentiments that we all sing along with, fully entrenched in the Christmas spirit, and think, “Yeah – I wish every day could be like Christmas, too.” The warm, fuzzy feeling that we have at that time of year; the open-heartedness; the willingness to reach out to, and care for, and love our fellow man -- I know that that sounds sappy and sentimental now that we’re out of the Christmas season. But really, what’s so crazy about that idea? If we can be that way at Christmas (or Hanukah, or Kwanza, or Ashura, or Solstice, or whatever you choose to celebrate this time of year), what is stopping us from being that way all year? It’s amazing how temporary that feeling is for most of us at Christmas – how quickly that feeling goes away, and we settle right back into our routines and our self-centeredness.
When we think of January, we tend to think of the New Year, and of resolutions. How many of us make resolutions that have anything to do with reaching out to other people like we did at Christmas? I’m guessing not too many. Resolutions tend to be about losing weight, reaching our financial goals, quitting smoking… which are all good things, of course. I’m just struck by how quickly we return to thinking about “me, me, me.”
So this week, I’d like to suggest a different kind of resolution. What if we resolved to show our Holiday spirit all throughout the year? What if we reached out to our fellow man, and showed compassion, and understanding, and respect to others every day of the year? What if we focus our attention on how much we are alike with the people around us, rather than how we are different, and we deal with those people with love rather than fear? It may sound sappy and idealistic, but I can live with that. I’d rather live with that than the alternative. And I’m man enough to be sappy and sentimental and be ok with it. I’ve had great role models - a Captain, and a Master Sergeant just to name two.
So… remembering the best of Christmas, and of ourselves at that time of year, I wish you a Merry Christmas in July to you and your family. Peace on Earth, goodwill to all men (and women).
Having said that, it does bring up an interesting issue; one that I wrote about in January of this year. So this “Christmas in July”, I thought I’d revisit my post from January, just as a reminder:
How many of us watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special every year? And how many more just enjoy the Vince Guaraldi music from that special? In his song, “Christmas Time is Here” there is a line that says, “Oh that we could always see such spirit through the year.” There’s another song in my rotation called “I Wish Every Day Could Be Like Christmas” by Jon Bon Jovi. And I’m sure that there are many more with similar sentiments that we all sing along with, fully entrenched in the Christmas spirit, and think, “Yeah – I wish every day could be like Christmas, too.” The warm, fuzzy feeling that we have at that time of year; the open-heartedness; the willingness to reach out to, and care for, and love our fellow man -- I know that that sounds sappy and sentimental now that we’re out of the Christmas season. But really, what’s so crazy about that idea? If we can be that way at Christmas (or Hanukah, or Kwanza, or Ashura, or Solstice, or whatever you choose to celebrate this time of year), what is stopping us from being that way all year? It’s amazing how temporary that feeling is for most of us at Christmas – how quickly that feeling goes away, and we settle right back into our routines and our self-centeredness.
When we think of January, we tend to think of the New Year, and of resolutions. How many of us make resolutions that have anything to do with reaching out to other people like we did at Christmas? I’m guessing not too many. Resolutions tend to be about losing weight, reaching our financial goals, quitting smoking… which are all good things, of course. I’m just struck by how quickly we return to thinking about “me, me, me.”
So this week, I’d like to suggest a different kind of resolution. What if we resolved to show our Holiday spirit all throughout the year? What if we reached out to our fellow man, and showed compassion, and understanding, and respect to others every day of the year? What if we focus our attention on how much we are alike with the people around us, rather than how we are different, and we deal with those people with love rather than fear? It may sound sappy and idealistic, but I can live with that. I’d rather live with that than the alternative. And I’m man enough to be sappy and sentimental and be ok with it. I’ve had great role models - a Captain, and a Master Sergeant just to name two.
So… remembering the best of Christmas, and of ourselves at that time of year, I wish you a Merry Christmas in July to you and your family. Peace on Earth, goodwill to all men (and women).
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
On Overcorrecting
This morning I awoke to find a comment that someone had left on our YouTube page. It read:
“Gratitude should be shown to individuals not to entire categories of people. Just because someone is wearing a uniform that doesn't mean you know anything significant about who they are. I know that this video is well intended but I worry that this is a double edged sword; that people who are eager to make positive assumptions about soldiers might be prone to make negative assumptions when they encounter a woman in a hijab or burka for example.”
I wanted to take a moment to respond to this, because I think it raises a couple of important points. I’ll address the first couple of points, and then to the real issue at hand:
First, ironically, our campaign IS about thanking individuals as opposed to entire categories of people. Our campaign was specifically designed to provide civilians with the means to look one person in the eye and thank them for their service. And while it is true that just because someone wears a uniform doesn’t mean that we know who they are it does tell us what they do and that is that, by definition, they serve to defend our freedom and security. And Service is deserving of gratitude.
Now, before I go on, I want to acknowledge that the author of this comment likely has their heart in the right place. They are clearly expressing a concern about discrimination; and I agree that that is something that we all need to be conscious and aware of. Having said that, I think that this comment illustrates an all too frequent response in our society of overcorrection – denying a certain good out of fear of a potential bad.
Let me use an example: helmet laws. Many states, including my native Washington, have laws requiring motorcycle riders to wear helmets. These laws were enacted to address a growing problem of riders getting into accidents, cracking their skulls, and thus requiring intensive medical treatments for which they had no insurance to pay, thus costing the tax-payers millions of dollars per year. The solution? Make everyone wear helmets. The problem with this solution, and the point at which it becomes overcorrection, is that it denies riders – even those with adequate health insurance -- the freedom to decide for themselves whether or not they are willing to take the risk of riding without a helmet. If a rider has adequate insurance to pay for their own treatment should they get in an accident, and they are not risking harm to anyone else by not wearing a helmet, shouldn’t they have the right to decide for themselves whether they wear a helmet?
Some (in my opinion) smarter states have enacted laws stating that riders who choose to ride without a helmet must be able to show proof of adequate health insurance in addition to their license to ride. This solution actually addresses the issue at hand without overcorrecting and denying others their freedom to decide for themselves.
In the case of the author of the comment above, their solution seems to be that we should not thank anyone we don’t know for their service for fear that the opposite could happen and that certain people might be discriminated against for what they choose to wear. I would argue that that solution does more to separate us and isolate us as people by suggesting that we can’t assume anything good about our fellow man for fear that we might also assume something bad. There will always be the potential of people assuming bad things about those they don’t know and don’t understand. And we need to be conscious of that, and encourage people to learn more about each other, rather than isolating and engaging less with one another. Let’s deal with discrimination directly when and where and how it happens. But denying those who serve the gratitude that they deserve, denying people the option to assume the best in their fellow man, to connect with them, and express what is in their hearts is an overcorrection that does more harm than good.
I would encourage everyone to see what happens when they assume the best in their fellow man, and interact with them accordingly. Thank those who serve for you. And smile at the woman in the hijab or burka. Goodwill is contagious. And wouldn’t you rather catch that than the fear of the other edge of the sword?
“Gratitude should be shown to individuals not to entire categories of people. Just because someone is wearing a uniform that doesn't mean you know anything significant about who they are. I know that this video is well intended but I worry that this is a double edged sword; that people who are eager to make positive assumptions about soldiers might be prone to make negative assumptions when they encounter a woman in a hijab or burka for example.”
I wanted to take a moment to respond to this, because I think it raises a couple of important points. I’ll address the first couple of points, and then to the real issue at hand:
First, ironically, our campaign IS about thanking individuals as opposed to entire categories of people. Our campaign was specifically designed to provide civilians with the means to look one person in the eye and thank them for their service. And while it is true that just because someone wears a uniform doesn’t mean that we know who they are it does tell us what they do and that is that, by definition, they serve to defend our freedom and security. And Service is deserving of gratitude.
Now, before I go on, I want to acknowledge that the author of this comment likely has their heart in the right place. They are clearly expressing a concern about discrimination; and I agree that that is something that we all need to be conscious and aware of. Having said that, I think that this comment illustrates an all too frequent response in our society of overcorrection – denying a certain good out of fear of a potential bad.
Let me use an example: helmet laws. Many states, including my native Washington, have laws requiring motorcycle riders to wear helmets. These laws were enacted to address a growing problem of riders getting into accidents, cracking their skulls, and thus requiring intensive medical treatments for which they had no insurance to pay, thus costing the tax-payers millions of dollars per year. The solution? Make everyone wear helmets. The problem with this solution, and the point at which it becomes overcorrection, is that it denies riders – even those with adequate health insurance -- the freedom to decide for themselves whether or not they are willing to take the risk of riding without a helmet. If a rider has adequate insurance to pay for their own treatment should they get in an accident, and they are not risking harm to anyone else by not wearing a helmet, shouldn’t they have the right to decide for themselves whether they wear a helmet?
Some (in my opinion) smarter states have enacted laws stating that riders who choose to ride without a helmet must be able to show proof of adequate health insurance in addition to their license to ride. This solution actually addresses the issue at hand without overcorrecting and denying others their freedom to decide for themselves.
In the case of the author of the comment above, their solution seems to be that we should not thank anyone we don’t know for their service for fear that the opposite could happen and that certain people might be discriminated against for what they choose to wear. I would argue that that solution does more to separate us and isolate us as people by suggesting that we can’t assume anything good about our fellow man for fear that we might also assume something bad. There will always be the potential of people assuming bad things about those they don’t know and don’t understand. And we need to be conscious of that, and encourage people to learn more about each other, rather than isolating and engaging less with one another. Let’s deal with discrimination directly when and where and how it happens. But denying those who serve the gratitude that they deserve, denying people the option to assume the best in their fellow man, to connect with them, and express what is in their hearts is an overcorrection that does more harm than good.
I would encourage everyone to see what happens when they assume the best in their fellow man, and interact with them accordingly. Thank those who serve for you. And smile at the woman in the hijab or burka. Goodwill is contagious. And wouldn’t you rather catch that than the fear of the other edge of the sword?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
On the Power of a Moment
My wife and I were dropping some friends off at the airport this past weekend. And on the way back to the car we passed a Soldier with his wife and small child pulling his bags out of his car. As we passed by, I gave him the Sign. He nodded, and held up his hand as a sign of “no problem”, or “you’re welcome”, just as Master Sergeant Kevin Johnson did in our video.
I’ve given the Sign to those who serve many times before. But more often than not, I approach those who serve directly, and I offer a hand shake and verbal “thank you for serving”, and I engage in a little conversation. When I do use the Sign, it’s often because I can’t reach the person I want to thank, or because the situation does not support me approaching them directly. And in many of those situations, they’ve offered a head nod, or some other sign of recognition. But this is the first time that I have experienced a Soldier’s reaction being exactly as Master Sergeant Johnson reacted in our video. It was quite powerful to me.
As my wife and I drove away, I couldn’t help but piece together the situation we had just witnessed and participated in. This Soldier was clearly unloading his car -- not loading it. I am not a gifted enough writer to communicate how powerful and meaningful that realization was for us in that moment. He was unloading his bags at the airport. He was on his way out… to God knows where, for God knows how long. His wife and small child were there to see him off… for God knows how long. What a solemn moment this must have been for that Soldier and his family. His wife, who knew all too well what was happening; and his small child, who had no idea what was happening, or how long it would be before they saw their father again; or that there was a very real possibility that they may never see their father again.
And in this moment - this incredibly powerful, life-changing moment for this man and his wife and small child that I happened upon - I offered a simple Sign of gratitude. Was it enough? Did I do enough to earn this man’s service and sacrifice? Did I do enough to make this man’s wife feel that her sacrifice – that her child’s sacrifice – were worth it? I have no idea; from my point of view, absolutely not. But it’s a start. Perhaps it served as a reminder of why they’re sacrificing what they’re sacrificing. Perhaps knowing that their service and sacrifices were recognized, and appreciated helped in some small way to assuage the heartache of the moment. I have no way of knowing for sure. What I do know for sure is that from my point of view, it was a powerful reminder that a “thank you from the bottom of my heart” is a very good start; and certainly tenfold better than no acknowledgment at all. But it’s just a start.
I’ve given the Sign to those who serve many times before. But more often than not, I approach those who serve directly, and I offer a hand shake and verbal “thank you for serving”, and I engage in a little conversation. When I do use the Sign, it’s often because I can’t reach the person I want to thank, or because the situation does not support me approaching them directly. And in many of those situations, they’ve offered a head nod, or some other sign of recognition. But this is the first time that I have experienced a Soldier’s reaction being exactly as Master Sergeant Johnson reacted in our video. It was quite powerful to me.
As my wife and I drove away, I couldn’t help but piece together the situation we had just witnessed and participated in. This Soldier was clearly unloading his car -- not loading it. I am not a gifted enough writer to communicate how powerful and meaningful that realization was for us in that moment. He was unloading his bags at the airport. He was on his way out… to God knows where, for God knows how long. His wife and small child were there to see him off… for God knows how long. What a solemn moment this must have been for that Soldier and his family. His wife, who knew all too well what was happening; and his small child, who had no idea what was happening, or how long it would be before they saw their father again; or that there was a very real possibility that they may never see their father again.
And in this moment - this incredibly powerful, life-changing moment for this man and his wife and small child that I happened upon - I offered a simple Sign of gratitude. Was it enough? Did I do enough to earn this man’s service and sacrifice? Did I do enough to make this man’s wife feel that her sacrifice – that her child’s sacrifice – were worth it? I have no idea; from my point of view, absolutely not. But it’s a start. Perhaps it served as a reminder of why they’re sacrificing what they’re sacrificing. Perhaps knowing that their service and sacrifices were recognized, and appreciated helped in some small way to assuage the heartache of the moment. I have no way of knowing for sure. What I do know for sure is that from my point of view, it was a powerful reminder that a “thank you from the bottom of my heart” is a very good start; and certainly tenfold better than no acknowledgment at all. But it’s just a start.
Friday, June 4, 2010
On Missed Opportunities
My sister and her husband came to visit my wife and me for the weekend. They just arrived tonight, and we shared a glass of wine, and did a little catching up. As we talked about their trip, they shared with me that they had had a couple of opportunities in the airports along the way to express their gratitude to a Service Member, but had missed them. Both times they were walking along the concourse, both hands full, and the moment just went by them too quickly to do anything about it.
My wife added that she had had a couple of similar missed opportunities recently, where she was at a grocery store, and wanted to say "thank you" to a Service Member, but they never made eye contact. This is a little ironic for my wife in particular by the way, since she appears in our video, and the first shot or scene in the video of her watching the Soldiers walk by is what the Director, Amy Sedgwick and I referred to as the "missed opportunity shot".
I've had many such experiences myself, where I saw a Service Member out in public, and I wanted to express my gratitude, but circumstances did not allow it. Perhaps they were too far away, or I couldn't get to them, or they were engaged in some activity that would have been rude for me to interrupt. Then I was left with this nagging feeling that I had missed my opportunity -- that perhaps I had just wimped out, made excuses, and failed to take the initiative to approach them. Then I felt bad for not telling this person how much their service means to me.
So, here's what I've learned from those experiences: It's OK. Sure, in our video we say, "Just don't miss the opportunity to thank the person right in front of you." But that line is not intended as a guilt-trip -- it's a goal -- an intention. It doesn't mean that you have to feel bad if you miss a single opportunity to thank someone. There will be other opportunities -- trust me. The point is not to kick yourself for missing one, but rather to set the intention to take the next one.
The one other thing I would add to that is that this is a relatively new campaign in the grand scheme of things. Sure, most Service Members have seen our video, and are familiar with the Sign. But we've still got work to do to make receiving our Sign as common for those who serve as sending or receiving a military salute. You are part of that work. They have been trained to look for rank insignias on other uniforms to determine if they should be sending or receiving a military salute from another Service Member -- they haven't been trained to look for our Sign... yet. We're training them now -- you and me. So my advice to you when you can't make eye contact is: Give them the Sign anyway. Perhaps they'll see the tail end of it, if not the entire thing. Perhaps they'll see it out of the corner of their eye. And the more they see it, the more they'll look for it. It will become a reflex -- just like the military salute.
And even if they don't see it, you will know that you did it. And trust me on this one, doing it feels better than not doing it. Even if they don't see it at all.
My wife added that she had had a couple of similar missed opportunities recently, where she was at a grocery store, and wanted to say "thank you" to a Service Member, but they never made eye contact. This is a little ironic for my wife in particular by the way, since she appears in our video, and the first shot or scene in the video of her watching the Soldiers walk by is what the Director, Amy Sedgwick and I referred to as the "missed opportunity shot".
I've had many such experiences myself, where I saw a Service Member out in public, and I wanted to express my gratitude, but circumstances did not allow it. Perhaps they were too far away, or I couldn't get to them, or they were engaged in some activity that would have been rude for me to interrupt. Then I was left with this nagging feeling that I had missed my opportunity -- that perhaps I had just wimped out, made excuses, and failed to take the initiative to approach them. Then I felt bad for not telling this person how much their service means to me.
So, here's what I've learned from those experiences: It's OK. Sure, in our video we say, "Just don't miss the opportunity to thank the person right in front of you." But that line is not intended as a guilt-trip -- it's a goal -- an intention. It doesn't mean that you have to feel bad if you miss a single opportunity to thank someone. There will be other opportunities -- trust me. The point is not to kick yourself for missing one, but rather to set the intention to take the next one.
The one other thing I would add to that is that this is a relatively new campaign in the grand scheme of things. Sure, most Service Members have seen our video, and are familiar with the Sign. But we've still got work to do to make receiving our Sign as common for those who serve as sending or receiving a military salute. You are part of that work. They have been trained to look for rank insignias on other uniforms to determine if they should be sending or receiving a military salute from another Service Member -- they haven't been trained to look for our Sign... yet. We're training them now -- you and me. So my advice to you when you can't make eye contact is: Give them the Sign anyway. Perhaps they'll see the tail end of it, if not the entire thing. Perhaps they'll see it out of the corner of their eye. And the more they see it, the more they'll look for it. It will become a reflex -- just like the military salute.
And even if they don't see it, you will know that you did it. And trust me on this one, doing it feels better than not doing it. Even if they don't see it at all.
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