On "Belief"

This is the blog that I had intended for the week that my dear friend Kevin died. It had been a little while since my last blog. But as my friend Dusty recently commented, what I lack in frequency I make up for in length. Consider yourself warned.

I’ve been in a bit of a debate with a very dear friend of mine over the past few days over some social/political comments that they made that surprised me. The comments did not seem to be in alignment with who I know them to be, and they have opened up some interesting conversation between us about what our beliefs are. Not coincidentally, as I was responding to an e-mail from them on this particular issue we were debating, I happened to be listening to John Mayer’s song, “Belief”. In it, he writes:

Is there anyone who
Ever remembers changing their mind from
The paint on a sign?
Is there anyone who really recalls
Ever breaking rank at all
For something someone yelled real loud one time

Everyone believes
In how they think it ought to be
Everyone believes
And they're not going easily

Belief is a beautiful armor
But makes for the heaviest sword
Like punching under water
You never can hit who you're trying for

Our beliefs can be a volatile thing. As Mayer writes, “Belief is a beautiful armor, but makes for the heaviest sword”. I think what he’s saying there is, that our beliefs can be a wonderful protection from the stresses and challenges that life throws at us on a daily basis. It is when we try to impose our beliefs on others that we run into trouble.

“Everyone believes, and they’re not going easily.” When our need for others to agree with our beliefs becomes too strong, or when we are too threatened by others’ beliefs our debates escalate, as though yelling louder will make them agree with us. But, “is there anyone who really recalls ever breaking rank at all from something someone yelled real loud one time?” No. And when the yelling doesn’t work, we occasionally turn to violence. This is how wars begin. But, as Bertrand Russell said:

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Financial guru and self-help speaker T. Harv Ecker, talking about the difference between poor people and rich people, says that poor people have an either/or mentality – I can either have this or that; I can either buy these jeans or I can pay my electric bill. Rich people, on the other hand, have an and/both mentality. In every situation they ask themselves, “How can I have both of these?”

I’d like to suggest that we can take this same approach to our beliefs. The world does not have to be either this way or that way – it can almost always be and/both ways. In order to get there, we need to increase the amount of energy we put into asking ourselves, “How can this be both?”

As Americans, we are often very conscious of how rich we are financially as compared to the rest of the world. But how often do we acknowledge how rich we are in Freedom? Do we not have enough Freedom to spare? Can we not hold true to our beliefs, AND allow others the freedom to hold to their beliefs?

The final two lines of Mayer’s “Belief” are:

What puts a hundred thousand children in the sand? Belief can. Belief can.
What puts the folded flag inside his mother's hand? Belief can. Belief can.

It seems a fair assumption here that Mayer is referring to the war in Iraq. I’m not here to debate the war in Iraq. I think Mayer’s point is worth considering in a broader sense; however, that holding too strongly to our beliefs to the point where we try to impose them on others comes at a great cost. And it is very easy to say that our beliefs are worth dying for when we are not the ones who are dying for them. It is very easy to say that it is acceptable that the rights of the few should be limited in order to increase the safety and security of the many when you are sure that you are one of the many, and not one of the few. I would just suggest that we be very careful about what precedent we set. One day we may find ourselves on the wrong end of that equation.

Are there some beliefs that are worth dying for? Yes. I think that there are. I’m not sure that, sitting here alone in the peace, quiet, and safety of my office I can tell you which ones they are for me. I suspect that that is a question that no one can truly answer until they are put to the test. What is interesting to me in our current paradigm is that the vast majority of us have not had to sacrifice much of anything over the past 60 years in order to impose our beliefs on the rest of the world, or on each other. War is something that most of us watch on television these days. Would our opinions change if we were the ones who had to look another human being in the eye and deny them their right to liberty? Their right to life? Or if we had to look a mother in the eye and ask her to sacrifice her child to defend our beliefs?

My friend has a right to their opinion, just as I do. I respect that. And I don’t need to change their opinion, any more than I expect that they’re going to change mine. I just hope that we can learn to allow each other the right to our own opinions without taking it personally, and without the need to prove one of us right and one of us wrong. Our founding fathers had a simple concept in mind for our country, and that was that my freedom ends where yours begins, and vice versa. Let’s allow each other the freedom to believe in how we think it ought to be.

On How My Friend Kevin Died -- Part 2

Like many Service Personnel who return home after serving in combat, Kevin found that he could no longer relate to his wife that he was so connected to prior to combat. I don’t know all of the details of their relationship, nor would it be my place to share them if I did. Suffice it to say that their marriage was one more casualty of that roadside bombing in Iraq.

Kevin was very open and honest about the fact that he struggled with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). He opened up to me (and to anyone who would listen) about the nightmares; the flashbacks; averaging two to three hours of sleep per night; the fears of IED’s (Improvised Explosive Devices) even on the Washington State highways that he’d driven for years; the imbalances in his body as a result of the numerous medications he was encouraged to take; the ineffectiveness of multiple rounds of inpatient treatment programs; and to add insult to injury, the limitations that having TBI and PTSD put on his career options within the military that he had dedicated his entire adult life to.

As is all too often the case, the treatment that Kevin was receiving for his TBI and PTSD was inadequate to address the problem. So Kevin, like many others in his shoes, began medicating himself with alcohol just to be able to survive from day to day. And while he was fully aware that this was not a productive solution to the problem, it was the only solution that provided the comfort he needed. And the other solutions being offered to him weren’t working. Proportional to the PTSD that it was intended to dampen, his drinking was severe.

The shortest, simplest answer to the question, “How did my Hero, Master Sergeant Kevin Johnson die?” is that he drank himself to death. His liver failed, and essentially poisoned his blood. Kevin spent his final days in a hospital bed, surrounded by his family, waiting for the peace of death.

There are those who will say that by being so brutally honest here, I am dishonoring Kevin’s memory. I understand that, and I respect that. The conclusion that I’ve come to, along with Kevin’s family, is that to the contrary it is a testament to Kevin’s love for his fellow human beings that he would want people to know how he died. He would want people to learn from his experience, so that nobody would again have to endure what he endured. He would want people to understand that not every casualty of war dies in battle. For many, the injuries suffered in war do not leave a visible scar. But rather they sit beneath the surface, killing the Service Person slowly, methodically, perhaps years after the battle… and further injuring their loved ones along with them.

My friend Kevin was killed in Iraq in May of 2004. He died in a hospital in Seattle in November of 2010.

On How My Friend Kevin Died - Part 1

If you are like me, the first thought that ran through your mind when you heard the news that my dear friend Master Sergeant Kevin Johnson died is, “How? What happened?” Kevin was only 45 years old. He should have had a lot of years left in him. Even if you didn’t know him you can see from his photo, or from his image in our video that he was too young to die.

I’m going to attempt to tell you how he died, as best I can, because I believe that Kevin would want people to know the truth of how he died as much as he would want us to know how he lived. Kevin was an example for others in every sense that he could be – both positive and negative. He showed us how we should be, by being an example to follow, and by showing us our own failures.

For those who didn’t know Kevin, a little background history:

Kevin joined the Army at age 17 and served for 27 years. He was an athlete, history buff, compulsive reader, and teacher. He served on every continent other than Antarctica. He was a Medic. And, in addition to personally saving hundreds of lives in several different combat zones, he also trained other medics who saved thousands more. He is the recipient of over 20 awards and medals, including one for the liberation of Kuwait in the first Gulf War that he gave to me as a gift; which speaks to his generosity and caring for others. Even in his final months of life he volunteered at a shelter, and helped his neighbor’s move, despite wearing a leg brace and barely being able to walk. Kevin was always more concerned for others than he was for himself. He is a hero in every sense of the word, although he would never agree with me on that.

In May of 2004, while serving in Iraq (again), Kevin’s HUMV was hit by a roadside bomb while on a mission to assess the medical needs of the local population to see how the Army could help. The explosion killed one of his best friends, Jeffrey Shaver, and Kevin suffered a traumatic brain injury (TBI), sending him home. Kevin would spend the remainder of his life struggling with the guilt of surviving that blast, believing that he should have been the one to be killed rather than Jeff, and wishing that he could go back to Iraq to finish out his tour beside his fellow Soldiers.

Kevin’s TBI caused him severe memory loss – to the extent that he would often have to enter his driving destination into his GPS navigation system any time he drove. Not because he didn’t remember the way, but to ensure that he didn’t forget where he was going. He couldn’t remember much of his service. And when his psychiatrist helped him to bring much of it back through hypnosis, it was like being hit with every bad experience he’d had in his entire life all at once.

Unlike many Veterans who refuse to speak of their experiences in war, Kevin was willing to share with me some of the things he witnessed and experienced in his service in at least three combat zones that I am aware of. Horrific things. Things that no human being should see or endure. Things that I can’t bring myself to share here. Kevin had much to reconcile when those memories came back to him.

The rest of the story next week...

MSG Kevin Johnson

I had a rather lengthy blog that I was going to post today. I was just putting the final touches on it when I received an e-mail informing me of some very sad news.

Master Sergeant Kevin Johnson, who appears in our video, passed away last night.

I've written before about Heroes. Kevin is my hero. He was an ordinary guy who did extraordinary things. He was humble, mild, gracious, polite, caring, fun, understanding... and I will miss him terribly.

Please join me in a moment of reflection and empathy for Kevin and his loved ones. And please, honor his memory and his service.

On "Brothers"

This past weekend I had a rare opportunity. My wife was out of town for the weekend. So I took advantage of the time I had alone to rent a couple of guy movies; one of which was “Brothers” (2009 - Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman).

The movie follows two brothers, one of which is serving in Afghanistan (Maguire). The other is fresh out of prison (Gyllenhaal), and back at home trying to support his brother’s wife (Portman) and kids in his absence. When Maguire is reported killed in action, the bond between Gyllenhaal and Portman becomes very close and, in their grief, teeters on romantic. This creates a fair amount of drama when it is discovered that Maguire is still alive, and he returns home.

In the midst of the tension between Maguire and Portman over her relationship with Gyllenhaal, however, is a much more common and all too real drama -- the tension created between spouses when one returns home from serving in a combat zone having experienced things that they cannot share with the spouse who remained home.

There is a very powerful scene in the movie in which Maguire is meeting with his commanding officer to request a return to Afghanistan. His commander asks, “How are things with the family?” Maguire responds, “They just don’t understand. No one does. I just want to get back to my men.”

I’ve had the opportunity to speak with a few Veterans who’ve served in combat zones; some in more than one combat zone. I’ve been very honored by their willingness to discuss their experiences with me. Although some of their stories are not pleasant to hear, and I have often found myself at a complete loss as to what to say in response, or how to support them, at the same time I know that it is important for them to be able to talk about it when and if they can. They know that I can’t truly understand their experience, because I have never experienced anything like what they have. I have no frame of reference that even comes close. And I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to tell someone what you’ve witnessed, or perhaps even participated in, for fear of judgment. It is this feeling of “they won’t get it” or “they won’t understand” that creates huge disconnects between the people who have experienced war, and those who have not.

I’m no expert on Post Traumatic Stress. I have no formal training in psychology or counseling. But if I could offer some advice based on what I’ve learned in my own experience, it would be this:

Listen. Show an interest in and a willingness to listen. Create a safe space for them to let what they're holding inside out. Ask questions. But do not judge. Acknowledge, to them and to yourself, that you will never completely understand what they have to tell you. Listen anyway. It is important for them to be able to talk about their experience with someone who can offer compassion and empathy.

Recognize that war is insane. It is an exercise in placing sane people into an insane situation, and we cannot expect people to behave sanely in an insane situation. Many of our Service Personnel have to become different versions of themselves just to survive the experience of war. They may never get back to the person they were before this experience. It’s probably not fair and reasonable of us to expect them to. If this person is someone that you love, love the new version of them. Be patient. Be kind. Be understanding. Be respectful. And understand that that might come in the form of respecting their choice not to tell you about their experience. You might encourage them to talk to someone who would understand. There are many options available through the VA. Sometimes just giving them the opportunity to talk is enough of a gesture to make it ok for them to open up to someone else.

We asked them to serve. The least that we can do in return is to hold a space for them to process their experience of serving with dignity, love, respect, and understanding.

On Contagious Gratitude

Yesterday I was flying home from a business trip. Prior to boarding the plane, I noticed one active military member and one Veteran waiting in the gate area for my same flight. I went over to each of them, as I typically do, I shook their hands, and I thanked them for serving for us. I learned that the Veteran was a Veteran of WWII, having served in the Philippines. Being somewhat of a WWII history buff, I know what that service means, and I was very struck, and honored just to have met him. Both he and the younger Soldier were very gracious, and clearly appreciated my recognition of their service.

As we were boarding the plane and passengers were getting settled, I spoke with two of the flight attendants. I had flown this airline just a few days prior, so I was aware that they offered several snack items, drinks, and in-flight entertainment that were not included in the fare, but could be purchased for a small additional fee. I explained to the flight attendants that I had observed at least one, perhaps two active military personnel and one Veteran who would be on the flight with us, and I told them that I would like to cover anything that these Service Men would like to have during the flight. Both of the flight attendants were visibly struck by my offer. One even noted, “Oh, that’s so sweet of you!” I replied, “Well, I’m grateful.”

As it turned out, the active military member slept throughout the flight, and did not have the opportunity to take advantage of my offer. The Veteran accepted a snack item, which he later walked the full length of the plane to come thank me for; which I was again struck by. This man had helped to define the very world in which I live, and the freedom and prosperity that I have enjoyed since birth, and here he was offering me a very heartfelt thank-you for a $4 snack item.

My point in sharing this story, however, is not even about the Soldier or the Veteran, but rather about the flight attendants. Over the course of the flight, they offered me free snacks, a free beverage (that would have otherwise cost extra), and they swiped their own card to provide me with free entertainment. And they never did allow me to pay for the snack that the WWII Veteran ordered. So, in the end, not only did the Veteran get a little bit of well-deserved recognition and gratitude, but it cost me nothing to give it to him. And what’s more, I got some too. The flight attendant who swiped her card to cover my in-flight entertainment remarked when she was done, “See? When you do good for others, you get good back yourself.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Gratitude is contagious. Pass it on.

The airline was Frontier, by the way. Fly with them if you can. Power to the Positive.

On Glorifying War

You may have noticed that I haven't posted a blog in a while. As hard as it may be for those who know me to believe, occassionally I do run short on things to say. But then something always pops up...

Today I was notified of an opinion piece about thegratitudecampaign published in several news papers, including The Christian Science Monitor, by a freelance writer and college professor named David McGrath. Mr. McGrath, it seems, takes issue with our campaign because he beleives that it glorifies war, and he is particularly concerned about how that influences our children.

You can find Mr. McGrath's piece here: http://www.csmonitor.com/Commentary/Opinion/2010/0816/Support-our-troops-Not-with-an-empty-gesture

In response to Mr. McGrath's article, I have offered to The Christian Science Monitor the following letter:

Mr. McGrath:

I read your piece on your decision not to participate in thegratitudecampaign. First and foremost, I would like to acknowledge your right to your own opinion, and your freedom under the Constitution to express that opinion; a freedom that has been defended by those who serve for over two hundred years. So, with regard to your exercising your freedoms, I applaud you.

Having said that, I am struck by the fact that in addition to being a freelance writer, you are also a professor. I have attended three colleges and one university, and if there was one thing that my professors impressed upon me with regard to anything that I wrote, it was that I did the appropriate research prior to making an assertion. Even in matters of opinion, they said, only informed opinions can stand up to scrutiny. While I respect your right to your own opinion, and I take no issue with you choosing not to participate in thegratitudecampaign, I do wonder if the opinion that you have published here for the world to see was an informed one.

If I understand your argument correctly, you seem to be taking issue with two things: The glorification of war, and the affect that that has on our children.

First, to the glorification of war: I wonder if, prior to forming and publishing your opinion, you took the time to read the materials available on our web site along with the video that you take issue with. Did you, for instance, read the FAQ/Comments page of our web site on which we discuss that this campaign is about gratitude for service – not for war. Or that a large percentage of our active service personnel and our Veterans have never served in a combat zone, or fired a weapon in anger. Or that this campaign is just the first step in helping civilians to engage and understand our service members so that they will be more likely to support them in additional, more tangible ways. Or that, contrary to public opinion, it is possible to support our Troops and support Peace -- in fact we support Peace because we support our Troops. Or that our campaign is not about the war in Iraq, or in Afghanistan. Rather, it is about showing gratitude for service to our fellow man. Or that war itself – killing and dying for a cause – is a failure on our part as human beings to resolve our disputes through more civilized means, and that we as civilians bear the responsibility for preventing future wars.

Did you read our blogs on the psychology of gratitude, and giving power to the positive? Or on the dangers of hero worship, and of overcorrecting? Did you read any of that, and consider it before forming your opinion? For that matter, did you notice that there is not a single image in our video of combat or violence of any kind? Did you notice that there isn’t even a single weapon shown in our video? I am a fairly objective and reasonable man, Mr. McGrath, but I am hard pressed to find anything in our video or associated in any way with our campaign that glorifies war. To the contrary, we make it abundantly clear that we see war as failure.

With regard to influencing our children, first, I’m not sure that I agree with you that children are incapable of distinguishing between showing gratitude for service, and glorifying war. As parents, and as a society, we have a responsibility to teach our children our shared beliefs and values. And, while it may be true that they may not yet fully comprehend all aspects of one of our values or how it plays a part in how we interact with one another as human beings that does not mean that the best solution is to simply choose not to teach it to them. When I was six years old I did not fully understand why it was so important to my parents that I say “please” and “thank you”, or that I chew with my mouth closed, or that I not interrupt people in mid-sentence. Fortunately, the human mind does not stop developing at age six. I learned those lessons, and as I got into my teens and early twenties, I learned to appreciate the “why” behind those lessons.

When I was twelve years old I asked my father – a retired Air Force Captain who specialized in electrical systems on nuclear missiles – how he felt about being such a warm, loving, peaceful man working on weapons that were capable of killing millions of people. He responded that the way he saw it, if he did his job really, really well, those missiles would never be fired. Even as a twelve year old, I understood what he was saying. And to this day the missiles he worked on have never been fired. And many have been or are being dismantled.

Admittedly, the concepts that someone could choose to serve and themselves not believe that war is glorious, or of civilians being able to support Peace and still support our Troops, or of separating our gratitude for the warrior from our distaste of the war are challenging – even for many adults. But just because they’re challenging concepts doesn’t mean we should avoid them. To the contrary, avoiding them may be the very thing that allows war to continue. And, ironically, it may just be that our children are more capable of understanding them than we are, as they have not yet been socialized to believe that service and peace are incompatible.

In conclusion, Mr. McGrath, I share your concern about our society glorifying war, and especially in the eyes of our children. But if we’re going to do something about society teaching our children to glorify war, it seems to me that we should be much more concerned about the literally millions of simulated killings that our children see on television and in the movies, and even participate in through war-themed video games than about a campaign that encourages peace, responsibility, and gratitude for service to your fellow man. Of course, you have the right to disagree.

Sincerely,

Scott Truitt
FOUNDER
thegratitudecampaign